Oh Grow Up - you can skip this entry

This is a whiny rambling entry complaining about me and not even in a creative way.  So, you should just scroll on by.  Really.

I just got off the phone with my Mother and I am so not happy with myself.  I am just a whiny bitch sometimes.  I really have gotten used to having to call her every day.  Hopefully I can back off of that once she gets connected to the internet again, but for now, I'm ok with it. 

But this morning all I did was pick at her.  She wanted to know how much Polly charges.  She said everybody asks and the rumor is that it's $10 an hour or $35 an hour. Honestly, I don't know.  Whatever it is, it's not enough.  I don't like Mom and the other old people sitting around talking about pinching Polly's fees.  Then Mom said that Polly worked really hard during the 4 days it took to clear out her apartment.  Polly worked very hard to get it done in the required 15 days.  I do not know where Mom gets 4.  Plus, I can just see the scenario. Mom tells her friends that it took 4 days and Polly charges $10 an hour.  The next time Polly tries to help someone they will feel scalped.  Plus neither Mom nor her little old lady friends have a clue what stuff costs.  They think $10 an hour is very expensive.

Then mother starts on on the stuff of hers that my brother and sister scarfed up.  My brother told her that he gave her kitchen stuff to a friend who just got divorced.  Mom thinks this is the greatest thing ever.  So great that I've now heard about it 3 days in a row.  And Mom is all worried about my sister because she couldn't remember everything that Mom had so she probably didn't get some of the stuff she wanted.

I get so irrationally pissed off when her stuff is reduced to a carcass.  I still think vultures.  Especially my sister.  And this is totally irrational because one reason that she doesn't know Mom's stuff is that she visits so rarely.  Of course when she does visit, it's her and her children and costs Mom about $3k for 3 days of visit and that pisses me off, too.

Meanwhile because I have chosen a life that I can afford both financially and emotionally, I am penalized.  I am the one who is totally responsible for all of the details of taking care of Mom.  I am the one who makes sure stuff gets done, bills get paid and Mom does not have to worry about any of it.  I took no stuff because it's not my stuff.  I don't want to hear about the vultures.  I have no sympathy. 

I did spend some time thinking about what would make me feel better about it all.  Do I want money from Mom - a monetary equivalent of what the vultures got?  Do I want Mom to spend more time telling me how wonderful I am?  Do I want my sister to ignore my Mom more than she does now?  And here's where we all know exactly how immature I really am.  While I still wouldn't mind if my sister dropped off the face of the earth - today, before lunch, I really want none of those things. 

There is nothing that anyone can do for or to me to make me feel less frustrated about the whole Mom thing.  It's me, it's my attitude about it that has to change. 

Whatever I do for Mom makes her life better.  She could live without me but it would be harder for her.  She knows this an appreciates it.  She is never mean.  Sometimes thoughtless and misdirected but not mean.  I need to be careful and add a beneficial layer to her life and not be essential but as long as I do that, it is all good.  I need to be happy about that and ignore the crap.  She's old and she can say and do what she wants.  And my brother and his wife have been as helpful as they have the capability of being.  My sister will never change and I will likely never ever feel good about her in any way.

It's getting to be daylight out.  I am going to walk and take pictures and enjoy my Sunday.

Oh Grow Up - you can skip this entry

This is a whiny rambling entry complaining about me and not even in a creative way.  So, you should just scroll on by.  Really.

I just got off the phone with my Mother and I am so not happy with myself.  I am just a whiny bitch sometimes.  I really have gotten used to having to call her every day.  Hopefully I can back off of that once she gets connected to the internet again, but for now, I'm ok with it. 

But this morning all I did was pick at her.  She wanted to know how much Polly charges.  She said everybody asks and the rumor is that it's $10 an hour or $35 an hour. Honestly, I don't know.  Whatever it is, it's not enough.  I don't like Mom and the other old people sitting around talking about pinching Polly's fees.  Then Mom said that Polly worked really hard during the 4 days it took to clear out her apartment.  Polly worked very hard to get it done in the required 15 days.  I do not know where Mom gets 4.  Plus, I can just see the scenario. Mom tells her friends that it took 4 days and Polly charges $10 an hour.  The next time Polly tries to help someone they will feel scalped.  Plus neither Mom nor her little old lady friends have a clue what stuff costs.  They think $10 an hour is very expensive.

Then mother starts on on the stuff of hers that my brother and sister scarfed up.  My brother told her that he gave her kitchen stuff to a friend who just got divorced.  Mom thinks this is the greatest thing ever.  So great that I've now heard about it 3 days in a row.  And Mom is all worried about my sister because she couldn't remember everything that Mom had so she probably didn't get some of the stuff she wanted.

I get so irrationally pissed off when her stuff is reduced to a carcass.  I still think vultures.  Especially my sister.  And this is totally irrational because one reason that she doesn't know Mom's stuff is that she visits so rarely.  Of course when she does visit, it's her and her children and costs Mom about $3k for 3 days of visit and that pisses me off, too.

Meanwhile because I have chosen a life that I can afford both financially and emotionally, I am penalized.  I am the one who is totally responsible for all of the details of taking care of Mom.  I am the one who makes sure stuff gets done, bills get paid and Mom does not have to worry about any of it.  I took no stuff because it's not my stuff.  I don't want to hear about the vultures.  I have no sympathy. 

I did spend some time thinking about what would make me feel better about it all.  Do I want money from Mom - a monetary equivalent of what the vultures got?  Do I want Mom to spend more time telling me how wonderful I am?  Do I want my sister to ignore my Mom more than she does now?  And here's where we all know exactly how immature I really am.  While I still wouldn't mind if my sister dropped off the face of the earth - today, before lunch, I really want none of those things. 

There is nothing that anyone can do for or to me to make me feel less frustrated about the whole Mom thing.  It's me, it's my attitude about it that has to change. 

Whatever I do for Mom makes her life better.  She could live without me but it would be harder for her.  She knows this an appreciates it.  She is never mean.  Sometimes thoughtless and misdirected but not mean.  I need to be careful and add a beneficial layer to her life and not be essential but as long as I do that, it is all good.  I need to be happy about that and ignore the crap.  She's old and she can say and do what she wants.  And my brother and his wife have been as helpful as they have the capability of being.  My sister will never change and I will likely never ever feel good about her in any way.

It's getting to be daylight out.  I am going to walk and take pictures and enjoy my Sunday.

Sucking guilt

Ok, I'm over my morning snit.  I took a nice walk and then came home and had breakfast and then dug out my hand swiffer and got the Summer's worth of crap off my ceiling fan and picked up cat toys and human toys and then hauled out the vacuum cleaner and sucked up the entire house.

A couple of vacuum notes.  1.  When melodysk calls it Hoovering it sounds like such a more interesting job than it is.  I never call it Hoovering but, I noticed today that I sure could because my cleaner is an actual Hoover!  And I have no idea while that tickles me.  2.  When I was married for those very few but very uncomfortable years, my husband did the vacuuming.  He did it because it had to be done on Saturday morning (no idea why.  His socks faced east in the drawer.  There were a lot of things I just never asked about.) and I was always busy on Saturday morning plus how dirty could the place be?  It was just vacuumed last Saturday??!!

Anyway...  the laundry is started and the garbage is collected by the door ready to be taken downstairs which I am getting ready to do.  I can change how I feel about things and I should just buck up and realize that more often. 

Here's a nice little photo I got this morning of some tiny little flowers in a huge tub outside the home plate entrance to Safeco Field.

It's my own little offering to ruralrob and androkles - both of them have made my days brighter over and over again with their beautiful photos and both of them are currently having days that aren't particularly fun - hope this helps just a little.

Sucking guilt

Ok, I'm over my morning snit.  I took a nice walk and then came home and had breakfast and then dug out my hand swiffer and got the Summer's worth of crap off my ceiling fan and picked up cat toys and human toys and then hauled out the vacuum cleaner and sucked up the entire house.

A couple of vacuum notes.  1.  When melodysk calls it Hoovering it sounds like such a more interesting job than it is.  I never call it Hoovering but, I noticed today that I sure could because my cleaner is an actual Hoover!  And I have no idea while that tickles me.  2.  When I was married for those very few but very uncomfortable years, my husband did the vacuuming.  He did it because it had to be done on Saturday morning (no idea why.  His socks faced east in the drawer.  There were a lot of things I just never asked about.) and I was always busy on Saturday morning plus how dirty could the place be?  It was just vacuumed last Saturday??!!

Anyway...  the laundry is started and the garbage is collected by the door ready to be taken downstairs which I am getting ready to do.  I can change how I feel about things and I should just buck up and realize that more often. 

Here's a nice little photo I got this morning of some tiny little flowers in a huge tub outside the home plate entrance to Safeco Field.

It's my own little offering to ruralrob and androkles - both of them have made my days brighter over and over again with their beautiful photos and both of them are currently having days that aren't particularly fun - hope this helps just a little.