Commitments and 'shoulds'

[susandennis]

My husband (if anyone deserves sympathy, it is he) used to vacuum the house once a week.  Always on the same day.  Regardless of need.  And he used to get really pissed at me because I wouldn't do it. 

"It's your turn to vacuum."
"Lucky me.  Cause it doesn't need it.  When it needs it, I'll do it."
"That's not fair.  They house should be vacuumed once a week."
"Why?"
"Because it should be."
"Why?"
"Because."

Poor guy, he never won an argument.  Not one.  Not ever.  Ok, so he was always wrong but still. 

'Should' was never reason enough for me.  I wasn't then and am not now a total scafflaw.  I often bend to stupid reasons, but never to a stand alone 'should'. 

And the older I get, the worse I get.  If I find myself doing something I don't want to do, I look really hard at the why. 

Works stuff is easy.  The work things I do when I don't want to can always be justified by 'because it enables me to keep this job which pays me way more than I'm worth and let's me work with my ass on my chaise in my house on my terms.'

But, other stuff takes a harder look.  Until a couple of months ago, I read at least 30-45 minutes every day.  Sometimes way more but never any less.  I read because I enjoyed it.  And only because I enjoyed it.  If I didn't like the book I was reading, I put it down and picked up the next one. 

In 1995, I started keeping track of books I finished and writing recommendations on my website.  There are more than 700 there now.   I always read before I went to sleep. 

Until a couple of months  ago.  I just didn't want to any more.  I hadn't read anything good in a while and it was more appealing just to play a few rounds of a computer game before I went to sleep.  I thought this would last a couple of nights but it has now become the norm.  I read some these days but not nearly as much and I'm ok with that.  I figure maybe someday I'll get back into it with the same vigor I had before but for now... nope.

And the jigsaw puzzles.  I started out just making them for myself and then I discovered that my software allowed me to create little stand alone jigsaw programs and I started putting them on the website.  And then I started getting requests for more and then I made more and now there are about 600 on the website and I have a mailing list of about 50 who have requested to be informed when new ones are added. 

And  I'm giving serious thought to stopping that production as well.  There are too many now to maintain (add to coherently) easily and I've actually kind of lost interest.  I can leave the ones that are there, there.  My puzzle peops are not going to be happy but that's not a big enough 'should' for me at this point.

My life is kind of rudderless these days and sometimes that worries me a bit but mostly it does not at all.  Why says I have to have a plan and why?  What's wrong with just drifting day to day and doing what I want and not doing what I don't want?  It's a luxury few people ever get and why shouldn't I just enjoy it?  I think this is one 'should' that I should.

Comments

[pisceandreamer.livejournal.com]

Nothing wrong with happily drifting along. I think society has gotten into a headspace that a life that isn't scheduled and structured down to the minute is somehow a life without purpose - an idea with which I heartily disagree.

[treebreeze.livejournal.com]

A lady in her 80's told me when I was in my 20's, that if a hobby becomes a chore then it is no longer worth having as a hobby, and that kind of applies here.