Journaling - the random thot or two...

[susandennis]

Last night I watched the Sex in the City episodes where Carry cheats on Adrian with Mr. Big and then agonizes about whether to confess. It was deja vu. In the mid-80's, I had a torrid relationship with this one guy that not only spanned a handful of years but an even bigger handful of ups and downs. For a good bit of those years we did not live in the same state - I was in North Carolina and he was in Conneticut. It was never a very healthy relationship but it had it's high sides.

My parents loved him to death. More than they loved me, I think. He was fluent in several languages which was great for travel. He was pretty interesting and we never lacked for good, interesting conversation. He was great in bed - thoughtful, crafty, talented and energetic.

But, he wanted to get married. And he wanted me to be a bit of a different person than I actually was. And he was a control freak which would have been ok but I'm pretty much of a control freak so there were issues. It was over and I knew it and I tried to tell him but not too successfully. Instead I just cheated on him. And I wrote about it in a journal I kept - this was the mid-80's. It was a hard copy journal. He found it and read it. And then he was so wracked with guilt about reading it while so pissed and hurt that I cheated that he told me about it.

He wanted us to go to couples counseling. I wanted him out of my sight forever. He never ever ever understood that his most selfish act was telling me that he read the journal. Even Adrian understood that.

I kept journals after that but none were any good and one day about 5 years ago, I just threw them all away. Fuck posterity.

Then I found Live Journal. I honestly have no idea how I found it. I knew no Live Journalers before I got here. I knew and understood about blogs and knew that's not what I wanted. My initial though was just to see if journalling online was better than cramped handwriting in a book. And, oddly, given my history, I didn't even think about if someone would read it and what would happen then.

Now, I occassionally wonder what would happen if someone I know happens on here - my Mom, one of the Twinkies, the selfish journal reading guy, etc. If they google "susan dennis", it's way down the list - they'd hit my web pages first and get side tracked. Instead I kind of wallow in disclosure limbo... I don't link to LJ from my web page but it's findable if someone tries (if you google on susandennis - it's right there).

I do find myself more and more lately wanting to hold a printed copy of my LJ in my hands - complete with all the comments and all the graphics. It's not possible, now, I know but I think if anyone ever does make it doable, I will do it. And I have no idea why.