The Talent I'm Most Proud Of

[susandennis]

Lee was a no show for walking this morning. So I set out with my Treo and a fresh selection of Woodstock music from my friend, Tom. And it got me thinking... walking and thinking...

The strains of the songs I first heard while in college took me back to that time when I was really not all that different than I am now with one big exception. Back then I had no idea what I would turn into. Then, as now, I had no particular talent. I have no artistic skills or even much design sense (even after hours and hours of HGTV). I can't play a musical instrument - I can barely play the radio. And, I don't know enough about any kind of music to even know the good from the bad. I can't dance, my teeth are a mess because I neglect them, my body is a wreck because I neglect and abuse it with bad foods and no exercise, etc. etc.

So, how did I manage to turn out ok? That was my walking thinking today. And the answer is that fairly early on, I developed a talent for loving what I have, rejoicing in the moment, putting regrets away and using any spare energy for being happy and grateful.

Oh I bitch and moan (check nearly any LJ entry) but I get over it pretty quickly. I don't have a lot of regrets. I don't regret getting married. It was fairly painless and it taught me not to do it again. I don't regret failed relationships - one of those got me here to Seattle. I don't regret job failures - I've managed to make a good living doing work I enjoy without having to wear panty hose every day. To me, that's job success. I'm not rolling in cash to buy everything I want, but then I wouldn't have a place to put it all anyway. I don't have money to travel, but, you know what? I don't have that many places - or really any places - I want to go. I'm happy right here.

Back in Woodstock days, I honestly had no idea. I wasn't overly bright or motivated or talented or skillful or interesting. I never had a grand plan. For years, my only motivation was to avoid being a bag lady and do it without borrowing any money from anyone I knew. I learned that happy was more fun than sad. Everyone makes mistakes and a lot of them aren't fatal. I really wasn't that big a deal to most everyone. So I needed to get over myself and I did.

I'm not a Pollyanna. I would have liked to have been a better person. Hell, I'd like to be a better person now. But, I'm not and I try not to spend much unproductive time on it. Where I can change for the better, I will and where I can't, I won't.

I live my life like there is a future (it will take me some weeks, at least, to drink all the Diet Dr. Pepper that Albertson's delivered yesterday), but if I dropped dead this afternoon, that's ok, too. I've had a good, full, rich life and I'm proud of my ability to understand and appreciate that.