I'm not dead yet
Jul. 5th, 2005 01:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
susandennisFor years and years (at least 10), I've been ready to die. Not suicidal and not planning, just ready. I've said to myself and out loud that I'm ready whenever. If I drop dead today, I'm ok with that. I've had a great life. It's selfish to ask for more. There's no grand gesture that I need to live to make. I don't have children who's weddings, graduations, children, I need to live for. I'm mean really my ride has been good. But, if it ends, it ends.
In the past year, I've really kind of moved on to thinking that maybe I really will go sooner than later. I'm not unhealthy but then I really don't have any facts to base that on. I haven't been to a doctor in years and don't plan on going to one either. I'm not in pain but clearly, I'm not in great shape either. I'm fat and lazy and have a mole that looks funny. I come from a family of bad tickers and I smoked for 40 years. A blood clot, a heart attack, heck, a Mack truck could take me out at any time.
I've always kind of believed in a combo package of Murphy's Law of Ying and Yang and Balance and Too Much Preparation. This law says that if you plan for a long life, you'll die tomorrow. If you max out your credit cards, you'll live a long a torturous life of payoffs. If you lose all the weight, a bus will smack you down before you can even wear that new size 2 outfit in public. But, I've also subscribed to My Own Self. If I'm miserable, I need to fix it. If my life sucks, then it's up to me to reduce or eliminate the suckage.
So, I'm getting my mouth fixed and by my laws, should probably expect to die about 10 days later. And I'm getting my condo made over so that might lengthen my life a little but we're near the end there so that's probably going to have much the same effect. I won't live long enough to enjoy it.
But, on the Yang side, I am spending money like nobody's business. I've been saving all these years for when I am old and infirmed and unable to work and now I'm spending it so that increases my chances of living like a bag lady in poverty and debt for years and years and years to come.
So I'm ready, but I don't know when or where or how. Or why I keep thinking about it.
In the past year, I've really kind of moved on to thinking that maybe I really will go sooner than later. I'm not unhealthy but then I really don't have any facts to base that on. I haven't been to a doctor in years and don't plan on going to one either. I'm not in pain but clearly, I'm not in great shape either. I'm fat and lazy and have a mole that looks funny. I come from a family of bad tickers and I smoked for 40 years. A blood clot, a heart attack, heck, a Mack truck could take me out at any time.
I've always kind of believed in a combo package of Murphy's Law of Ying and Yang and Balance and Too Much Preparation. This law says that if you plan for a long life, you'll die tomorrow. If you max out your credit cards, you'll live a long a torturous life of payoffs. If you lose all the weight, a bus will smack you down before you can even wear that new size 2 outfit in public. But, I've also subscribed to My Own Self. If I'm miserable, I need to fix it. If my life sucks, then it's up to me to reduce or eliminate the suckage.
So, I'm getting my mouth fixed and by my laws, should probably expect to die about 10 days later. And I'm getting my condo made over so that might lengthen my life a little but we're near the end there so that's probably going to have much the same effect. I won't live long enough to enjoy it.
But, on the Yang side, I am spending money like nobody's business. I've been saving all these years for when I am old and infirmed and unable to work and now I'm spending it so that increases my chances of living like a bag lady in poverty and debt for years and years and years to come.
So I'm ready, but I don't know when or where or how. Or why I keep thinking about it.
