Thinking of John

[susandennis]

It's been several years since John was here to visit.  He lived in Japan for a while and then in Australia and then he had a girlfriend in Australia and he kept going back there and then this year when he was in this country and over the girlfriend, my house was torn up and 'his' room was where the boxes where.  So we talked about maybe December or maybe January. 

Even though he hadn't been here in a long time, I always knew he would be back. I have always stored up John things for his trips.  New restaurants.  Old sites.  Changes. 

Small things - he loved to go get fresh bagels in the morning and bring them back here for eating with paper reading.  His favorite bagel shop is gone but I found him a new one to try.  There is one perfect (in our book) restaurant in town - Rovers - we always try to get there once.  There's a great wonderful beef restaurant - the Metropolitan - where even though it's not on the menu, we can still get steak tartare and we try to work in a trip.  He once lived in a very yuppy 'hood called Madison Park and he loves to drive through there and see what's new.  It's been a while so there's a fair amount new since he last saw it.  And we walk all over everywhere and I can show him the stuff I've stumbled on and fun little bits and surprises.

Every day I see or hear or think of something that then snaps me back to the realization that he is dead and he's never going to be here to share these things again.  It is a very sad feeling. 

I have developed a little trick to deal with these little snaps.  I have a list of things that really annoyed me about him.  Little things.  When I get hit with one of these John things - something that isn't going to ever happen or ever happen again - I try to pair it with one of the annoying things for balance. 

It's important to me that I do not blow him out of proportion.  I want to remember him as he was - the good and the bad.  And honestly, I'd like to get a little more used to the idea that he is dead so I can quit getting these little surprise sadnesses every day.  But we spent a lot of really perfect Christmases together so I suspect it's going to be January before it gets any better.