Musings on me
Nov. 16th, 2006 10:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
susandennisMy life these days is not very conventional in many ways. I don't have anyone to answer to or for. No parents, no kids, a sister who is not part of my life and a brother who is far away and very low maintenance. My work for pay happens where ever my laptop is and, pretty much, when ever I am ready to do it. I am easily able to earn enough money for things I want.
So the list of things I do not have to do is huge and the list of things that I have to do is small. I don't have many anchors or rules to go by.
If I don't want to work on any odd day, I can pretty much easily not. If I want to stay in bed all day, I can. If I want to not talk to a living soul, I don't have to. If I want to have a chocolate bar for breakfast, no lunch and steak for dinner, I can and I do. I can watch whatever I want on TV. I don't have to explain or justify or defend any of my choices about anything to anyone.
I have designed and built my life this way pretty much on purpose. I've been very lucky but I've also made some conscience choices to get here. And I've made these choices with my eyes open.
Much of what I have is possible because my life is, for the most part and by design, not dependent on other people. There are trade offs.
No one takes out my garbage for me. The few movie-going, concert-going, out-to-dinner-going friends I have had have either died or moved away and while I could go alone, I don't. I can't reach high shelves without a ladder and I won't get on a tall ladder without a spotter and I don't have a spotter. No one cooks for me. If I want to get my teeth cleaned under sedation, I can't because I have no one to take me home. If I want to get one of those colon tests (which I do not), I couldn't because I have no one to take me home. I don't have anyone to tell me if I have spinach in my teeth or if I'm going off the deep end. If I fell in the shower and could not get up, it would be several days - if not longer before I could count on anyone even being curious enough to look into my being MIA.
These are simply trade offs. I give them up in return for something I want more. I am a happy camper. I relish what I have and I'm grateful every day and a little astounded.
I still do - at least once a day - get little reality checks here and there. It really is ok that I leave that there or eat this or do this next or not do that. it amuses me that I have to remind myself that I don't need permission or approval. I guess some stuff is just in the DNA.
So the list of things I do not have to do is huge and the list of things that I have to do is small. I don't have many anchors or rules to go by.
If I don't want to work on any odd day, I can pretty much easily not. If I want to stay in bed all day, I can. If I want to not talk to a living soul, I don't have to. If I want to have a chocolate bar for breakfast, no lunch and steak for dinner, I can and I do. I can watch whatever I want on TV. I don't have to explain or justify or defend any of my choices about anything to anyone.
I have designed and built my life this way pretty much on purpose. I've been very lucky but I've also made some conscience choices to get here. And I've made these choices with my eyes open.
Much of what I have is possible because my life is, for the most part and by design, not dependent on other people. There are trade offs.
No one takes out my garbage for me. The few movie-going, concert-going, out-to-dinner-going friends I have had have either died or moved away and while I could go alone, I don't. I can't reach high shelves without a ladder and I won't get on a tall ladder without a spotter and I don't have a spotter. No one cooks for me. If I want to get my teeth cleaned under sedation, I can't because I have no one to take me home. If I want to get one of those colon tests (which I do not), I couldn't because I have no one to take me home. I don't have anyone to tell me if I have spinach in my teeth or if I'm going off the deep end. If I fell in the shower and could not get up, it would be several days - if not longer before I could count on anyone even being curious enough to look into my being MIA.
These are simply trade offs. I give them up in return for something I want more. I am a happy camper. I relish what I have and I'm grateful every day and a little astounded.
I still do - at least once a day - get little reality checks here and there. It really is ok that I leave that there or eat this or do this next or not do that. it amuses me that I have to remind myself that I don't need permission or approval. I guess some stuff is just in the DNA.
