Finding my new way
Nov. 19th, 2007 04:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
susandennisThis is another not-yet-completely-thought-out entry made in hopes that organizing the entry will help organize my thoughts.
I am without a plan.
My earliest memories were of wanting to go to school. I did not like being read to. I wanted to read. When Pinky Lee had a heart attack on TV, they put up words in the place of his show and I had to go get my Mother to come read the words. That was humiliating. I figured out early on that reading was key. I could not be calling my Mother every time some clown had a heart attack.
When I got to school (which I found out was, after I finally did learn to read, pretty much a totally sham), I needed to get out of school as soon as possible. Since I was a sucky student, this took the full 16 years. But I was out and free!
Then I needed a job. All through my worklife, I had goals - make more money, move to another city, work for this guy, work for that one, maneuver into this area or that one, get more vacation - sometimes nearly all of them at once. Always they were combined to keep me independant and free of having to count on anyone for anything.
Now, I'm good. I'm there. I actually don't have to have a job at all. I have saved and invested and been very very lucky and, I could, indeed tell 'them' to take this job and shove it. And on really stressful days, this is a great temptation. But most days I like what I do and it makes me happy so I keep doing it.
But I'm no longer working to get to the next step or working to get really anywhere. I'm not planning any big trips or want to even take any. My house probably won't need redecorating for another 15 years and I can't fathom what I would change.
There is nothing really that I have to do. Today, tomorrow or anytime. I have no plan. I have no direction. I have no goal. I have no plan.
I have a full, rich, interesting (to me) life with lots of good stuff in it. There's nothing wrong. I'm happy and grateful and content and fulfilled and all those things that Oprah says I should be.
I'm not sure not having a plan is bad. It's just different and uncharted teratory for me.
I am without a plan.
My earliest memories were of wanting to go to school. I did not like being read to. I wanted to read. When Pinky Lee had a heart attack on TV, they put up words in the place of his show and I had to go get my Mother to come read the words. That was humiliating. I figured out early on that reading was key. I could not be calling my Mother every time some clown had a heart attack.
When I got to school (which I found out was, after I finally did learn to read, pretty much a totally sham), I needed to get out of school as soon as possible. Since I was a sucky student, this took the full 16 years. But I was out and free!
Then I needed a job. All through my worklife, I had goals - make more money, move to another city, work for this guy, work for that one, maneuver into this area or that one, get more vacation - sometimes nearly all of them at once. Always they were combined to keep me independant and free of having to count on anyone for anything.
Now, I'm good. I'm there. I actually don't have to have a job at all. I have saved and invested and been very very lucky and, I could, indeed tell 'them' to take this job and shove it. And on really stressful days, this is a great temptation. But most days I like what I do and it makes me happy so I keep doing it.
But I'm no longer working to get to the next step or working to get really anywhere. I'm not planning any big trips or want to even take any. My house probably won't need redecorating for another 15 years and I can't fathom what I would change.
There is nothing really that I have to do. Today, tomorrow or anytime. I have no plan. I have no direction. I have no goal. I have no plan.
I have a full, rich, interesting (to me) life with lots of good stuff in it. There's nothing wrong. I'm happy and grateful and content and fulfilled and all those things that Oprah says I should be.
I'm not sure not having a plan is bad. It's just different and uncharted teratory for me.
