Online Friends

[susandennis]

I was watching The Screensavers the other day and they were talking about "fleshmet" as in 'is he someone you have fleshmet or an online friend?' While the term fleshmet sounds little too butcher shop for me, it's a little better than face-to-face (or worse f2f).

I've been online one way or the other since the early 80's. In the beginning it was electronic bulletin boards that were mainly local and, sometimes, connected to others via fido. In the early days, it was mainly teenage boys and me (then in my 30's). The boys were thrilled to have a real girl online. They knew far more about computers than I did and taught me so much. I taught them that not all girls were scarey and some were interested in computers.

During that time, I had a job that moved me to a new time zone about every 18 months. The first thing I'd do when I got to a new place was to find the local ebbs and find new online friends who were always well versed in the local culture - where to eat, where to get your shoes fixed, etc. In the early days, I rarely ever fleshmet any of them. And, since, most of the bulletin boards were not totally fido'd, I'd lose them when I moved.

In the last half of the 80's I found online bridge and spent hours playing bridge online with people around the world. One night I was in Seattle, playing on my computer. The drill was that before the game we spent a few minutes exchanging 'where are you's' - I was partnered with a guy in Switzerland. The other pair consisted of a guy in England and one in... Seattle. A few messages later, we figured out we were within a block of each other! I never met him either. One woman, in San Diego, that I partnered with a lot was a real estate attorney and once, when I needed legal real estate help, we talked on the phone and she halped me out but we never did meet although we played bridge together for 5 years.

But, I have fleshmet some online friends and, for the most part, the experiences have been wonderful. I put up my first website in 1995. I had just made my second trip to New Zealand and was fascinated. I devoted a page to New Zealand on my website. I got a note from a guy in Dunedin named Scott. He'd been online for a week and found my website. We still swap notes every day. In 1998, he made his first trip to the United States and stayed with me for 3 weeks. He's a good bit younger and not my type at all and we shared my house as friendly roommates. It was great fun to show him around. We still swap emails about once a day and remains one of my best friends.

I still have lots of really good, long term, friends that I have never fleshmet. Only occassionally do I even think about it. My friend, Jeanie who lives in Mississippi, wrote the other day that she's thinking about getting her hair cut short and did I think it would look ok? Although I've known Jeanie for more than 5 years now, we've never fleshmet. I had to remind her that my opinion of her hair options was pretty worthless since I've never even seen a photo of her. I have no idea if she is tall or short of skinny or fat or even has hair at all! But she is as real to me as the friends I do flesh see every day.

My LJ friends are much the same way only even more so since I read their thoughts every day.

If meeting face to face is fleshmet, wonder what meeting online is... digimet? bytemet? intramet?

Comments

[judith.livejournal.com]

I can't say I like that term. I don't like f2f either. I just say "in person" or something like that, as I do try to avoid using any kind of "insider language". I even wrote a column on the subject a few years back. My theory is that the use of jargon tends to cloud real meaning and create a separation between people.

but of course that isn't the point of your contemplation. I have had many cyber-friends over the years, too. Right now there aren't many left, many I still write to on occasion. Perhaps I haven't been as lucky as you, or maybe I'm just too difficult to get along with, even just by email. I do like meeting people in person. If it is at all possible I try to make that happen.

But there are advantages to staying out of each other's space. You confine your friendship to the computer. You are not interrupted except when you choose to be. Your friends are not interfering with your decisions when you go to the grocery store or whatever. And neither of you is subjected to annoying personal habits!

I find that I lose these friends more easily if I have never met them. It is easier to let go. Obviously, if you've been corresponding for years, not quite as easy. Yet I do have a friend in New Zealand with whom I have corresponded since 1995 and right now we don't write often so I don't think about him much. Yet if we had a real break, some defining crystalline thing, it would hurt. Not as much, I suspect, as when this happens in real life, though.

A friend I met here in LJ became very close. We exchanged probably hundreds of long involved emails. Then he suddenly decided I was no longer his friend and he cut me off without even saying goodby. It hurt and I was thrown by it but I think it would have been much worse if we had ever met in person.

I think you must be a much better friend than I am. But then, I don't play bridge...

[susandennis]

Oh I've absolutely had friend fallout. But, honestly, I don't think there's much difference in numbers between that happening with online friends and offline friends. I'm of the 'time and place' school. There are people in my life for whom there is a time and place and when that is gone, the friends are gone. I guess I just don't focus on that so much. I just figure it's all part of the big picture.

But, I totally agree with the convenience thing. I absolutely hate the telephone. I don't even answer it. And I only do instant messaging at work. At home, it's as annoying as the telephone. I am very selfish about my time - it's mine to give and not someone else's to take. Email and LJ are there when I am ready and do not intrude when I'm not. A very good point.

Oh and also, even with the webcams on, I like 'talking' in my junk clothes and appeciate keeping up with my friends without having to take a shower if I don't want to.

I think I am far more of an online person than a face to face person in general.

[judith.livejournal.com]

When I first read that "time and place" comment I thought, "how very Zen of you!". Then I realized that most of my friends have come in and out of my life the same way. There have only been a few that have specifically cut themselves off from me (or me from them - I can only remember one of those). Most of the time we just stop seeing each other or writing to each other because there isn't anything more to say at the time.

I hate telephones too. And chat, as a rule. I have been turning Messenger on lately, just for short times, in case someone I have contacted through personal ads happens to be online. But instead I have been contacted by much younger men who happen to be attracted to older women..odd, that. I guess not all that odd, considering it is still mostly younger men who are chatting, I'm betting. And I don't like being rude, but I should be. So I chat with them for a bit.

But I don't show them anything...

There was a time, right after I was "dumped", when I went into a Yahoo chat group and was suddenly surrounded by about six men my age, most of whom wanted to see something. And I actually flashed them. I don't regret it. It was something I wanted to do at the time. Then I got the hell out and never came back. I still laugh about it sometimes.

I don't personally feel that there is any greater danger to meeting people in person after you've met them online than there is in meeting them in person in the first place. I always arrange to meet in a public place and then, if my instincts are with me, I might get closer. I don't make any big plans, no matter how far one of us may travel. It's strange that I sometimes hit it off with someone online (male of female; I don't mean to imply I only meet men) for quite a while but when we meet in person there isn't much of a connection after all. I have certainly contemplated that phenomenon. I know, in my case, it has little or nothing to do with appearance. I mean, I don't like or dislike anyone because of how he or she looks.

It's funny what does matter, what sticks in my mind. Picky eaters, for example.

[susandennis]

Picky eaters, for sure... and thoughtless use of cliches is my other one.

[susandennis]

I haven't fleshmet any LJer's yet but, I totally agree about being careful. It's so very easy to see how some of those tabloid things could happen.

I have to admit that the idea of my friend from New Zealand coming for three weeks as his and not mine and while I was all for meeting him, I wasn't wild about his moving in for that long. But, it turned out just fine. A lot of luck was involved there.

[teasdale.livejournal.com]

I agree with you on the time and place friends. It took me a long time to figure that out, though. :) Sometimes I can only see that it was right to end after some amount of time has passed.

I started out online with the old Prodigy Classic. I met a wonderful group of chat friends there and once we all met in NJ for a weekend. I can honestly say that it was one of the best times I've ever had and I'm not one to travel to meet people. I've lost touch with most of them ever since Prodigy Classic bit the dust but I still think of them and am grateful for the time we did spend.

I've not heard the term "fleshmet" before. I think I like it better than saying "have you met in real life?" :)

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this. Now I'm going to contemplate, too. And by the way, I absolutely hate the telephone, too. hehe

[susandennis]

Prodigy! Wow... that's a blast out of the past!! In the early days, Prodigy was partly owned by IBM (as part of its Sears partnership) and I worked at IBM. As an employee benefit we either got a really cheap deal on it or got it free, I can't remember which. I had my Prodigy account for people friends and my Compuserve account for technical friends. And another account (the old Sierra Online) to play bridge. None were connected to the other and all had to be dialed in... I was sooo happy when they came out with those fast 2400 baud modems! :)

Thanks for the trip down memory lane here.

[melodysk.livejournal.com]

I loathe that expression *fleshmeet* and haven't heard it before reading your post :) I always say IRL (In real life) ...I have met several of my online friends that have LJ's. I belonged to a small local ISP about 6 years ago and we all used to meet up to play baseball and get pissed regulalry (Kryten and Rhino were amongst them) Since then I have become a member of alt.fan.pratchett and we have regular meets and conventions so I get to meet quite a few online pals at those.

Met Methos from my LJ friends last week , we live quite near to each other and have been quite supportive during times of stress. Took hubby and kids with me when we met , and he took his son :) I think the next time we will be brave and maybe meet without backup *g*

Biggest surprise was meeting up with a friend from alt.book.tom-holt. Someone who I had assumed was male turned out not only to be female but also is now a very close friend of mine

[susandennis]

That's very cool.

I do love your expression 'get pissed'. I hear it a lot on BBC America and it always conurs up an image of a bunch of guys lined up at urinals. It always amuses me when I have to simultaneous translate from the British. Of course, to my ears, your accents alone make everything sound so thoughtful and cultured. So even when it sounds like you are talking about people lined up at toilets, it sounds so proper.