Hypochondria and laziness - aiming for gold...

[susandennis]

My new ceiling fan works off a remote control. I want a spare. I want to have one for the night stand by the bed and one by the door. Why should I have to walk all the way over to the bed to turn on the light? And why should I have to get off the bed and walk all the way to the wall to adjust the fan speed?

Why can't I just have two remote controls? Google fails me. I can find only one place that sells remote controls for this fan. They do not have them in stock. If/when they get them in stock, it will cost me $50 + shipping and handling - COD check only. ???!!!!

The fan is Hampton Bay, which, apparently, is the house brand of Home Depot and they don't do spare parts like replacement remotes. Yo, estis, any chance you could scare me up a spare remote for a Model 55295? Or figure out how I can score one?

My goal of being the laziest fat ass on the planet is in competition with being the worst kind of hypochondriac.

I'm pretty sure that any minute I will totally stroke out or have a massive coronary or drop dead of breast cancer if something else isn't hiding in the wings. It's been so many years since I had any of it checked out. I have very good reasons - well, very good in my lame brain. I'm not willing to do anything to fix or prevent any of it - I'm not going to take medication, I'm not going to have surgery and I'm not going to change my lifestyle so why torture a poor doctor who wants to help when I'm not willing? So I don't go. And I totally understand the consequences.

But, I watch all the medical shows - ER, Medical Investigation, Gray's Anatomy and sometimes even Strong Medicine. The worst, for my condition, though, is House.

Generally, on House, the guest star's problem starts out simply. His nose itches or he stubbed his toe. By the first commercial, he's generally in bad straights. By the half way mark, he's pretty much on life support. He's always saved in the end BUT.

So when my nose itches or I stub my toe - or I get a pain when I breathe or I get dizzy or I have a cramp in my neck - anything... I mean anything - and I'm wondering if I'm not two commercials away from life support. And I know that at the end of the hour, I am not going to be saved. I have a good 30 years of health neglect. I was an efficient and talented smoker for 40 years. And, honestly, if it takes medical intervention of any kind, I'm not so good in the will to live department.

I think a lot about not living to see my condo finished, or getting my teeth fixed and getting hit by a bus the next day, or dying before Mom (I do feel a wee bit guilty about that one). I don't dwell on the thoughts - they just pass through. It's part of the package. When I feel a twinge or an ache or any of the signs that may be step one to the Big Staircase, my instincts are to get myself to someplace when, when I pass out, no one will find me until it is too late to save me. My phobia is being resuscitated.

And, I cannot for the life of me remember why I started this entry... so that's surely the sign of a brain tumor, right?

Comments

[rsc.livejournal.com]

We're still wathcing House, but it's annoying that it's so formulaic that when they come with a diagnosis my response is "That sounds reasonable, but it can't be right because the show is only half over, and they never get it right until the last segment".

[judith.livejournal.com]

House?? That's the name of it??

I actually understand your reasoning. My brother was terrible about taking care of himself but he was in major denial. He had no idea that he was cutting his years short. But you do! Informed consent, I call it.

And you do have your medical directive all filled out and signed and so on, yes? Just to make sure you don't end up on life support with no early end in sight.

[susandennis]

Yep, House... that's the name of it. Fox.

And, yes, I got all the papers signed years ago and I have a DNR necklace that I wear under my clothes. My sister is authorized for care decisions and I have assured her that if I wake up in a hospital the first thing I'm going to do is call a lawyer, get a new will and she ain't getting a penny. If I die before I get to a hospital, she gets it all. She's not the sharpest knife in the drawer but she is vitally interested in the cash and she thinks there's about 5 times what there actually is.

[pheon.livejournal.com]

I may have mentioned this to you before, but some time back I saw an article about a woman --- a nurse --- who had 'Do Not Resuscitate' tatooed across her chest.

[susandennis]

You did tell me and I think about her often. I'm afraid they will miss my necklace but I'm not ready to go with the tatoo. I'm thinking fat black Sharpie, maybe?

[pheon.livejournal.com]

The drawback to a Sharpie, of course, is that it will fade and smear over time and given normal bad luck when you fall down on the sidewalk, it will read

Donut Remoulade

which will do you no good at all, unless the first responder is a policeman who goes off to check on this donut he never heard of --- with no concept on how bad it would really taste --- and leaves you to die peacefully on the sidewalk.

[susandennis]

I am laughing to hard to type! I'm thinking maybe you started the cocktail hour a little early??!!!

But good case for Tatoo over Sharpie, for sure.

[pheon.livejournal.com]

What! A nice retired gentleman starting the cocktail hour early? No way! Of course, I don't have to drive anywhere this afternoon and I don't have to get up tomorrow morning and go to work.... I do admit to having had half a glass of wine before that posting.... And remoulade was the only food-oriented word I could think of starting with 'R'.

[davmoo.livejournal.com]

It may not be the ideal situation, but you should be able to find a universal remote that will also do fans (as well as everything else in your house). If we have them here in Deadcornstubble, Indiana, I'd think you'd have them there in the big metropolis.

[susandennis]

I actually do have an X10 remote that I use in the living room for lights but it has to be plugged into an outlet and then have the lights plugged into it.

This ceiling fan isn't plugged into an outlet.

Their are remotes where you stick a sensor into the fan housing but this one already has a sensor and I don't want to confuse it - plus, I don't want to dick around inside the fan.

Are either of these what you are talking about? Or is it something else? I wonder if the Deadcornstubble Universal Remote Outlet has a website?

[susandennis]

But you may still be declared a winner. Your clue of 'universal' led me to another round of Googling which turned up a remote for a Westinghouse fan that looks EXACTLY like the one I have!

Now if I can just get past the $70 for the remote and the shipping (this, for a fan that cost me $150)...

I guess we'll see exactly how lazy a whore I really am...

[davmoo.livejournal.com]

Before you order something, I swear I've seen $19.95 or less universal remotes at the local home supply stores that do fans. I'm getting ready to make a run to Lowes in a few minutes anyway, so let me take a look to make sure I'm not sniffing glue, and if I wasn't imagining things I'll get you names and model numbers.

[davmoo.livejournal.com]

Oh, if it makes you feel any better, all geeks are lazy. I have a house full of X10 operated lights and other gizmos. And I once spent over a hundred dollars on a very fancy universal remote.

[susandennis]

That makes me feel not only better but like I've earned geek stripes because twice now I have bought TV universal remotes that cost more than $100. In one case I used it for several years and sold it for $50. In the other case I returned it immedidiately as I did not have the Master's Degree it took to program it. But, it is nice to know I can maybe get a guest membership into the club.

And I am not ordering the $70 one yet - and maybe never - so if you stumble over something cheap and juicy at Lowe's I'd be delighted to hear about it!

House Rocks!

[shanynrose.livejournal.com]

House is the *only* show I will not miss. Sometimes I'll watch an episode twice. Last time I knew exactly why the guy was peeing brown stuff before anyone on the show gave the answer. Scary, no? Leg pain, peeing brown...I know what THAT is!

[greggorythomas.livejournal.com]

No idea if this will work, But. my 2 cents.

How about a universal remote?

[susandennis]

Good idea but I haven't found one that did not involve my getting into the fan housing which I really don't want to do. Remotes for general electronics won't work and the X-10's for household stuff require the stuff be plugged into a wall outlet which my fan does not. But, davmoo is chasing down an option a Lowe's so I could be totally wrong on the whole thing!

[susandennis]

Ohmygod! I have three lumps on my scalp that I hadn't even thought to worry about! Of course they have been there for years... You do sound, however, like you could give me a race for my hypochondriac money!