This is why I don't have friends

[susandennis]

A few weeks back, I got a note from a guy who, in 1994, fed me, via ebbs messages, tips and tricks for building my first website. He was infinitely patient and so nice to me.  I was very grateful and while we lost touch probably that same year, I've always thought of him with great fondness for all he did for me - a total stranger.  We never met face to face although we both lived in Seattle.

He found me not long ago and sent me a 'remember me?' email.  We swapped a couple of notes - he's still here and retired (says he doesn't do much at all) and he asked me if I wanted to meet for coffee and I said sure and we agreed on a time and place.  I went.  He didn't.  He later said he forgot. Which I'm sure he did.

Today, he tries again.  I said I was free Thursday and Friday. He said great. how about Thursday and named a place that is closed on Thanksgiving.  I countered with a place, near him, that I know is open for breakfast on Thursday and suggested 9 am.  He said fine (although he did said 'ok, Friday at 9'.  And then he added 'feel free to text or call to remind me'.

So... I'm stood up once and now it's my job to fucking remind him?????  No.  I sent him a note back and told him - in bold that we were meeting on Thursday (the place isn't open for breakfast on Friday) and that I'd be there for breakfast at 9 and if he was, too, that would be great.

I do not have the patience, understanding, desire to handhold people so that I can have friends. I'd rather have a cat.  Oh, hai, Zoey!

Comments

[howeird]

I hate to be stood up too, but it seems to me you do owe him a little more slack than most first dates. Not all of us have the alarm clock gene. :-)

[susandennis]

It was 11 am and he picked the time and he even said, when I sent him an email after that he forgot BUT... you are right. His forgetting is not maybe directly tied to my value as a human...

Ok, slack cut. I'll send him a reminder email on Wednesday. Ok?

And thanks.

[sea-weed.livejournal.com]

But if you're able to remember, how come he can't? As soon as a friend becomes work it's no fun! Hope you have a good breakfast with or without him.

[thnidu.livejournal.com]

Yeah.... but.

"But if you're able to remember, how come he can't?"

"I can keep track of four or five things I'm doing at the same time, why can't you?"

"When they tease you, just ignore them."

"Just close your eyes and stop worrying about it, and you'll drift off to sleep soon enough."

"Choose one or the other! How hard can it be?"

"Oh come on, it's pronounced just like it's spelled: Zdrastvuytye!"

The second through fifth, in one form or another, I have heard all my life. They don't (or didn't) work for me. The last is something I could easily say (in more ways than one), because I'm very good with languages. People are different.

[sea-weed.livejournal.com]

Ok true everyone is different and it's easy to forget stuff, but it was his suggestion in the first place and if he's that likely to forget a second time, he could just write himself a post it note and stick it on his computer, or it takes 2 seconds to put a reminder in a phone. Why should it be up to Susan to remind him? That's just lazy asking someone else to do your remembering for you.

[thnidu.livejournal.com]

Generally I agree, but your first line "If you're able to remember, how come he can't?" is a trigger that I've heard all too often– not specifically about remembering things (although often enough), but in the tone of it and the assumption that "It's as easy for everybody else as it is for me, and if they don't do it they're just lazy / slacking off / deliberately making trouble".

I don't think you're trying to be hostile, but I think that, like many (most) people, you don't appreciate, or don't accept, that what's "obvious" or "easy" or "no problem" to you – and, to the best of your knowledge, most of the people you know – is actually not that way for everybody. Including people who have nothing obviously wrong with them. To look at me, you wouldn't know I had such problems as I've described. I don't drool, I don't have visible deformities such as are typical of Down's syndrome, I probably don't even look like an absent-minder professor. People say "You're so organized!" That's because I NEED organizational tools to keep track of stuff that most people seem to take for granted.

Back to Susan's friend, look at this exchange:

I countered with a place, near him, that I know is open for breakfast on Thursday and suggested 9 am. He said fine (although he did said 'ok, Friday at 9').

That would have been an elapsed time of what, 30 seconds? a minute, tops. Doesn't that suggest that this fellow really, really, really has trouble keeping track of things?

[shutterbug.livejournal.com]

I'm an extrovert and I hate everything you describe here, so I am with you on this.

[badrobot68.livejournal.com]

Online friends are so much easier.

[sea-weed.livejournal.com]

Haha yes! Good point. :-)

[barondave.livejournal.com]

Clearly, in person meetings are not his strong suit. If you want to get reacquainted, gently remind him of the missed meetings and start a conversation via e-mai. You can have both people friends and cat friends neither of whom might be on your schedule.