I feel badly but that's the end of it

[susandennis]

My neighbor Ann sent me an email last night saying she wanted to give her husband's laptop to her son but she didn't want her son to see the stuff on it. She wanted to know where to take it to get it wiped. I told her Office Depot.

She just came in to say that Office Depot was a great suggestion.  Then she wanted to know how to get a printer for her iPad and did she need wifi. Yes you need wifi for your iPad. And then she started asking questions:

So when I cancel Clearwire will I still be able to print?
Do I get Comcast for wifi and then Clearwire for printing?
Do I need a router?

She had already tried to find a Clearwire office (there aren't any) and was sent to Sprint who told her they didn't know anything about Clearwire. Her husband set up Clearwire with a router. Her email address is a clearwire address.

But, really, she is so screwed. She does not want to spend any money. She does not want anything to do with a PC. She wants her iPad and her Nook to get internet and she wants to be able to print. And she wants to not spend any money.

"I have a $50 credit at the Apple Store. Maybe I'll use that."

I feel badly for her but no way am I getting anywhere near that. I might as well be the meanie now as later.

I spent some time the other day trying to figure out what I would do if I were in her place. She is so very unprepared for living on her own. She knows, apparently, very little about how to operate. And among the clues she does not have are how and where and who to go to for help. I know from past experience, that if you help her with one thing, you are instantly responsible for that thing and anything attached to it. So there is no slippery slope. There is only one giant cliff with an instant drop.

She does have other friends - here and in Southern California. She's going down there to see some of the California ones in a couple of weeks. Hopefully someone will rescue her. It will not be me.

After she left, I looked up a home computer/network guy who looks like he might just be her speed. I sent her his information in an email.  She'll have to pay him and lordknows what that's going to come to. His last name is Garcia so I can only cross my fingers that she won't slap some racial slur on his poor self.

I guess I should call her and tell her to check her email.  Sigh.

Edit: I called and she was sobbing. "I'm so upset and my nerve pills haven't kicked in yet." I told her that I sent her information in an email and she said ok.

Yes, I feel like a complete and total jerk. But, I don't have the skills to be the kind of better she needs. And I don't want them. I'm not proud of me. I do hope she finds her way either on her own or with the help of better people than me.

Comments

[shutterbug.livejournal.com]

I admire that you know your limits and are holding your boundaries. No, it's always "what other people would do" but it's what you need to do.

Sometimes I fear my mother is so much like Ann. And it's not necessarily her fault (or Ann's). My dad takes care of everything and mom knows very little about the stuff. It's just the way they've done things, which is how Ron and Ann sound. The difference is that my brother and I would swing in to help her. (And she's not this helpless about everything.) I hope that Ann figures out a better alternative to this lifestyle because...well, I hope she can.

[susandennis]

There is nothing here to admire about me but I do appreciate your words. I've been beating myself up over it most of the afternoon. But, as you say, I know my limits and my trying to work around them in this case will not end well for anyone.

I'm glad your Mom has you and your brother. It's at least a kind of a plan.

[shutterbug.livejournal.com]

But it makes sense that you should protect yourself, knowing what you do about the cliff. (I don't know if you have ever been able to contact her kids independently of her...maybe you could express concern to them somehow - though they are probably plenty aware).

*hug*

Boundaries are important. Here's what would happen if I were in your shoes: I would be helpful helpful helpful and tired. And then helpful and annoyed. And then tired and annoyed and holy shit I'm dodging an old lady in the hallway. And then OMFG I'm going to shout profanities soon and lose my shit and *mushroom cloud*.

(I hope that made you laugh, at least a little. Truth is, I would help her until I lost my mind.)

[susandennis]

That's exactly what would happen. So yep. Protecting myself.

And no way am I getting in the middle of her family. Not happening. She has a son. And a daughter in law. She knows how to contact them and they her.

[sea-weed.livejournal.com]

I'm in total agreement with shutterbug, it's great that you know your boundaries and are able to put them firmly in place. Much better to feel a little bad now for not bending over backwards to help her than to have her drive you insane for a long time to come. You're polite and reasonably helpful, she's a neighbour not a close friend, you don't owe her anything, and you have your own life to look after, she has hers. It's awesome that you can see that, hopefully the bad feeling won't last long because truly you don't need to feel bad. It's a shame she's in her situation, but it's not your problem.

[susandennis]

wow. Thank you very much. That helps more than you can know.

[sea-weed.livejournal.com]

Also this is where you live, so avoiding her when she becomes needy can be difficult. Better not to encourage the neediness which may have no end to it, and besides never did you have an agreement that you would look after her. Now I need to take all this on board in my own life, boundaries are good things in protecting ones own sanity, seriously. :-) Feeling bad just means you're a better person than you realise. If you were truly a jerk, you wouldn't even feel bad.

[susandennis]

:)

[shutterbug.livejournal.com]

Especially that last sentence!

[kayre]

I guess this is a bad time to ask for tech help, eh? :D

[susandennis]

Are you asking for tech help?

[kayre]

Nope! Was considering it but muddled through on my own.

[susandennis]

well, see?! success. You are welcome!

[sea-weed.livejournal.com]

LOL :-)

[(Anonymous)]

Interesting story. We, as women owe it to ourselves to be able to as self sufficient as possible. This should be taught as little girls. Life with a husband is unpredictable in many ways ( e,g, leave you for another woman). Lol, so we have to be able not fall apart . The world also is a forever changing, fast- paced place. The boat will take off and leave her at the dock These ladies need help stepping up their game. Good luck and peace to all. #girlpower

[timbear.livejournal.com]

You are doing the right thing, and not just for you, for her too. She needs to be pushed towards being able to cope on her own, so pointing her towards professionals who can help means that she takes control of that aspect of her life rather than just leave it up to friends and neighbours.

Helping means suggesting solutions rather than being the solution and resenting her for it.

[susandennis]

Excellent points and thank you.

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

You did give her some help. And, you pointed the direction to get more help.
So, you are not a jerk.

[susandennis]

Thank you so much. I sure feel less like a jerk now after reading these supportive comments.

[mhaithaca.livejournal.com]

Good. They're all spot on.

[susandennis]

:)

[badrobot68.livejournal.com]

Yes, you don't want to become somebody's mommy figure. Because you know she would start depending on you for everything!

[(Anonymous)]

If people believe they can actually lose themselves just by a show ofcompassion every now and then , it would be best to not take on Ann. Better yet just tell her face to face how needy she seems. Cowardice..

[kyrielle]

I really don't see that you owe that to her, and as others have said, you wouldn't be helping her as much by letting her transfer dependency to you vs. telling her she needs to use professional resources for it.

Not to mention the aggravation factor for you.