Is there something wrong other than old?

[susandennis]

After I hit 60, I became no longer able to differentiate between something being wrong with me or my just being old.  And I still can't. Or rather, it seems to get worse every year. Every week, it seems, is a new normal.

This morning I woke up refreshed after sleeping well but really not that enthused about going to the pool. I did not stop to think about it, but just headed on over there. Swimming was a slog. My back hurt, my left thigh was numb, I was coughing. I just felt crappy. But, not the kind of crappy that would be better if I stopped swimming so I kept on and did my mile.  I still don't feel great but I at least I feel like I already accomplished something today.

I have a family history of heart disease and strokes. I am not even all that interested in living that many more years. I wonder constantly is this ache or that pain is the beginning of the end. My COPD will eventually rob me of the ability to breathe if something else doesn't get me first. I'm not worried about dying. I'd rather not be incapacitated to the point of requiring help but at least I live in a state where I can, given the right bits in place, chose when/how I actually end my life.

All of this wanders through my head nearly daily. But, not really in a morose way. More in a hmmmm way. But some days, when aches and pains are more hurty, I really do wonder if it's my imagination or my age or if there is really something going on.

The truth is... it does not matter one bit.

Comments

[shutterbug.livejournal.com]

Eh, thing is some things are just "old" but others are not. Just keep an eye out and the way you chronicle here will help you figure out what's persistent and what's just random daily annoyance.

Meanwhile, glad you went swimming. As you well know, some days are better than others. And really, the fact that none of it stopped you from swimming is a good sign.

[waitingonsunday.livejournal.com]

I found myself constantly thinking about my death a few years ago. It wasn't that I wanted to die or anything, I was definitely just being morose. I actually had to push myself to stop doing this, because it became a source of anxiety. It usually works, but sometimes the thoughts present themselves anyway. This morning, I was in an area of my workplace is rarely used and I was looking out the window at the rain. I found myself thinking, "What if I die today and this is the last time I ever look out this window?" Then I realized, who CARES if I never look out this stupid window again? Anyway, I can see why my thoughts might circle back to that eventually, in a less morbid way. Getting as comfortable with the idea as possible seems like it can be a good thing.

[susandennis]

Getting as comfortable with the idea as possible seems like it can be a good thing.

I never actually honed in on this but I think that's exactly what I've been doing... getting comfortable with the idea. Wow. Thanks for that insight!

[letmesaythis.livejournal.com]

I swam for the first time in ages this morning. I made it one lap before the cramping started. Warming up somehow might help with that. Do you do any warming up or stretches prior to swimming your mile? I quit after the second lap. Heh Heh. I'm trying to imagine 30-32 laps... Some day!! Now I feel like I need a long nap. Too bad I'm at work.

[susandennis]

Ouch!!! I get cramps sometimes in my feet. Nope, I don't do warming up.

The first time I swam laps, I managed 2 - 50 yards total with a nice break halfway through.

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

Haha. You know my Mom said the same thing not too long ago. And she said some days you just go, "eh...what can you do."