Outliving your true self

[susandennis]

I know how to be a better person. I almost always know what I did wrong or said wrong or didn't do... after the fact. And I spend a lot of energy regretting that I hurt the person who then forgave me. But I always know that we will always know that I was not the person I wanted to be.

Until that person dies. When someone dies, they take with them the bad as well as the good.

There were years that my father drove me crazy and I was not gracious about it. I wanted him to be different and he wasn't and I was mean. When he died, I remember thinking whew, now no one will know what a horrible daughter I was to an old man. It's not true, of course, I know but still... When my Mom died, again, I knew no one would ever now find out how ridiculously stupid I was when I was a teenager and how I disappointed both my parents in so many ways. Yes, I made them proud mostly but not always. But, now that they are gone, and so is that shameful history.

I was probably the worst wife in the history of wives. I knew the marriage was a mistake instantly. Like that evening after our wedding. Seriously. I knew it. And I did nothing. Well, no, not nothing. I went on for about 2 and a half years making me and everyone around me miserable. It was mean and selfish and really ridiculous. I was a grown woman. 30 years old. I was educated with resources and still I was horrible.

And now the victim of my torture is dead and cannot testify against me. Seriously, part of me really does feel that.

If I live long enough, I can maybe achieve sainthood. (arugh to both of those things, by the way)

Also there's a downside - besides people you love not being around - when my friend, John, died, he took with him my only proof that I ever bungy jumped. There are no photos or videos of it. It was in New Zealand, just me and him. He bet me $100 (American, not New Zealand) that I wouldn't do it. I collected. But, now, there's only my word on the whole thing...

Comments

Wishing LJ had a "like" button

[beadyeyedbeth.livejournal.com]

Facebook has a "like" button that you can click when you've read someone's post and enjoyed it, or at least want to acknowledge it and let the writer know that you read it. I wish LJ had one of those. I enjoy reading your posts, but often don't have anything interesting to comment, but still want you to know that I read and liked it. I can relate to what you said in this post. Consider this your "Like." :-)

Re: Wishing LJ had a "like" button

[susandennis]

I don't really consider my own LJ as social media. If people comment, great but I'm perfectly fine with just reading. However, having said that, it is nice to know that you are mentally 'liking' :)

[luzclarita.livejournal.com]

This reminds me of a recent interview iI read with Toni Morrison who said that for her, old age brings a magnifying glass to your life and allows her to clearly see every small regret.

[susandennis]

See Toni and I are on opposite sides of the nursing home fence on that one. The older I get the more forgiving of me I become.

[tedwords.livejournal.com]

It is so hard to live a life without regret. But would you have change anything, even if you could?

[susandennis]

Oh yes. I don't waste a lot of time stressing over it. But, I totally wasted the awesome private education my parents paid for. If I could I'd change that. While being married taught me to never do that again, if I had the chance to change, I'd chose to learn that lesson another way :)

So yeah while bad things are good teachers, I'd change some if I could.

[fbhjr.livejournal.com]

That's a very interesting point of view.

When my grandmother was in her 80's most of her friends had died.
"Has God forgotten me?" she asked her daughter.
Maybe he just didn't recognize her from the stories others told...

[susandennis]

Hahaha maybe not!

[lookfar.livejournal.com]

Oh my, I've never thought of it that way. I don' t like it when the people who lived in my world die, because they take the world of the past with them, my old world.

[jamsmom.livejournal.com]

Your post amazed me, because I thought I was the only one who felt a little relieved when a person with whom I shared an embarrassing (to me)time passed away, taking the secret with them. I don't feel so guilty about the relief now, thanks to you. Blessings