A full life? A good life?

[susandennis]

I finished a novel (A Window Opens - Elisabeth Egan) last night. It was an audible book and I was mostly enjoying it until the last 30 minutes. The story was about a woman who was a wife and mother who's fortunes led her to take a job at a major corporation. Mainly for the money. Much of the book is making fun of corporations (where I spent most of my working life) and while a bit over the top, it was fun.

Until the last 5% of the book and then the author gets out her giant, heavy, Unless You Have A Husband And Stay Home To Take Care Of Your Kids You Are Wasting Your Life sledge hammer.

I mostly always have drawn the long straw of life. My parents were lovingly married to each other for more than 50 years and I was a fully baked adult when they died. They taught me that I could be and do anything I wanted as long as I was responsible about it. And they gave me the tools I needed to make what I wanted happen.

I chose to not have children - it was not a thoughtless decision. I tried marriage and quickly realized that I had no skills there.

My parents believed and at least tried to instill in me that being responsible is giving back. They were shining examples. They were the consummate volunteers. When he retired, Daddy turned into a religious Meals on Wheels volunteer. My Mom helped found Hospice in western North Carolina. The two of them lived in Zimbabwe for six months and Russia for another six months - Daddy was a volunteer executive and Mom led little Russian kids in American songs and read books to the elderly and blind in Zimbabwe.

The kids I did not have are oh so lucky. I would have sucked as a parent. I tell myself that the elderly people I don't drive to the doctor's office and the homeless people I don't dish out meals to are better off. I'd be a whiny and probably mean volunteer.

I, personally, do not tick a whole lot on the This Person Is Valuable list. I've always been sensitive about this. I should do more I know it. I don't do it but I am aware I should. I don't need some bitch in a holier-than-thou novel to drive the point home.

I'm going back to assassin thriller novels.

Comments

[ayebydan]

I hate when authors do that at the end. It is like 'you were doing so well'.

I think childfree people like us should get some recognition for respecting the fact that we wouldn't make good parents. Why make a child miserable because society says I should pop one out? I'm too impatient and frankly selfish about my own hobbies to raise a child. My dog is my son and that does me fine. The worst are family though. I'm glad your parents gave you so much more respect. My mother felt like I was denying her something.

[susandennis]

Yeah, I totally hit the parent lottery. They delighted in my sister's and brother's children but never pressured me.

[restoman.livejournal.com]

OK, so maybe you are not cut out to be a volunteer, you have still found ways to give back to the world. The bears are a good example of that, ~A considerable investment of your time, talent and resources.

[susandennis]

Thanks. The bears are good but also a great excuse for me to watch junk tv so maybe not totally altruistic :)

[tilia-tomentosa.livejournal.com]

As if you couldn't watch junk TV without any excuses. Who needs your excuses? :)

My knitting is primarily a de-stressing activity and "something creative to do". Am I better than you for not liking junk TV? ;)

[susandennis]

Yeah, pretty much :)

I tell myself, I'm not wasting my brain on TV, I'm knitting for poor babies!

[kyrielle]

Why should altruism be only altruistic? Why should we only give back in ways that hurt? Some people _love_ spending time with other people and help out at soup kitchens. Some people adore animals and volunteer at the animal shelter. Some like knitting and make toys for children who desperately need something to hug and love on....

I know some people do things they don't like to give back, but I don't see that it's a requirement. You are giving back - in a way that you enjoy. That seems like a win all around. :)

[susandennis]

Thanks. Excellent points and, you are right. I win for sure and the teddy bear adopters do, too. Great way to think of that.

[stpdsxyflndrs.livejournal.com]

It can be really hard to not fit into society's conventional definitions-- people are taught to value success in the context of a very narrow view of achievements, and it doesn't leave a lot of room for acceptance if you happen to deviate from that view. :/ But for whatever it's worth, I get SO HAPPY reading stories like your own, where you've made a conscious decision not to have kids or be married (rather than just succumb to the pressures to do/remain so because it's [somehow] seen as the path of least resistance). Society puts way too much emphasis on mindless perpetuation rather than making thougtful decisions, if you ask me. :P

(Sorry for my lack of eloquence here -- I'm typing this comment before coffee. Hah!)

[susandennis]

Mindless perpetuation... omg yes. I see that everywhere and it makes me nuts.

You do good pre-coffee :)

[shutterbug.livejournal.com]

Boo hiss to the last 5% of that book.

In the meantime, I didn't know your parents did stuff overseas like that. Cool!

[susandennis]

Yeah, it was a very cool program for retired executives. Daddy adored being so useful again and Mom loved the experience so much. It was great all around.

[one-raido.livejournal.com]

LOL, I don't like preachy novels, either.

I always say I'm not getting married again unless he has a a lot of money. Then I think, even still, I just don't want to be married. Some will say I didn't pick the right guy, which is true, but I really feel marriage is out-dated/unnecessary. Used to be kind of a deal, you have my children and I will take care of you. But with women on a more even level working-wise, we don't need to be taken care of.

[luzclarita.livejournal.com]

I hate those endings. Children are NOT a cure all, and I think preachy people are justifying their own choices.

[gfrancie.livejournal.com]

Oh I hate stuff like that in novels. I think we need more novels where women have satisfying lives that don't follow the culturally expected ending. I sort of want to write one. (which is kind of funny coming from someone who married fairly young, and has kids, but still, I respect any woman following her particular path in life.)

[badrobot68.livejournal.com]

Well I think you're a lovely human being just the way you are. And yes, making your bears does count towards that!

[susandennis]

Awww thank you!

[fj.livejournal.com]

I buy my guilt off by donating copiously tof riends doing charity things.

Happiness

[spiritgirl.livejournal.com]

I think a good life is one where a person is genuinely happy...living your life on your own terms, doing what makes you happy, no intentionally trampling on others, and appreciating the opportunity to live as you choose. That is why I like reading about your life...getting an inside view of a good life. And you are very charitable. You share your time and talents with others (knitting, technical knowledge, newsletter skills). You have passed on material goods you no longer use. You freely share your opinion to help others improve their business or get a different perspective. Really, you are quite generous...in ways that allow you to contribute quite generously as part of your daily choices and not out of obligation. And that is the bext kind of giving . I learn a lot from you....really!

Re: Happiness

[susandennis]

Thank you. You are very kind and make some points I honestly had not considered. Plus, I think I'm going to keep that paragraph to re-read next time I do something to disappoint myself. It's a great gift.

Thanks

[zimon66]

Something similar is pulled in Bell, Book, and Candle. Like the first half of the movie, but oh boy does my mood change towards the ending. Really bugs me that to be in a relationship, she has to give up her self and change into a 50's ideal of a woman, but Jimmy gets to stay the same.

[kk1raven.livejournal.com]

I think you're probably not giving yourself enough credit where the This Person is Valuable list is concerned. Volunteering is one way to be valuable, but there are numerous other ways.

Like you, I chose not to have children. I chose not to get married too. Maybe I would have been a good mother if I'd had a husband to raise children with, but as things stood, there's no way I could have been a good mother on my own. Besides that, I just plain didn't want to be a mother. I have no regrets about that. I have little patience with either the child-free extremists or the people who insist that being a parent is the only right choice. There is no One True Way. People should make the choice that is right for them. I think the world would be a much better choice if parents were parents because they actively chose to have children rather than because children just happened.