On being the straight girl

[susandennis]

I have lived all of my life as a straight girl in a world of privilege. Except for the years when I longed to be a size 2, I have never known hunger. I have never been homeless. My parents paid for my college education and gave me $500 upon graduation and it's been me for me ever since. I have not only a home and an income but unearned entitlement because I am also white and straight.

The former you can tell by looking at me. The latter is a little less obvious to the eye. I've never known what it was like to not be the default in terms of what kind of people I am attracted to sexually. I've never had anyone try to persuade me to bat for the other side (well, during the whole Ellen thing, I did have friends who wanted to turn me in for a toaster oven, but I think that was more an appliance issue than one of sexual orientation). The closest I've ever come to hearing a slur on my sexual orientation is being referenced as a breeder. And, since I am not, really, a breeder, I ignore it. But, that's a luxury I have.

I live in a place and matriculate in a nice little cocoon that prevents me from having to hear much in the way of offensive language or sentiments targeted at those who's sexual orientation is not your basic het. I know it happens. It happens here. Physical as well as verbal abuse seeps into my world occasionally and it makes me sad and mad.

But, what really makes me want to do something is not the obvious. It's the sly. It's the assumption that homosexuality is wrong. It's the acceptance that homosexuality is fair game and a rightful target. It's everything that makes a basic het breeder the default.

I don't know what to do about it. I challenge when it lands in my face or even off to the side. I write letters. (I once wrote a letter to In The Life - the TV show - and I got a lovely thankful reply asking me to send a copy to my local PBS station. So I did - to both of them. I have now heard that same letter read - my letter! - locally and nationally about a bazillion times. I just heard it again during the last pledge drive.) I sign petitions. I wear buttons. I'd wear a t-shirt if I had one. I have one bumper sticker on my car - it's the graphic at the end of this entry. But none of that ever seems to effective or enough.

This morning's paper carried a column about a newspaper ad campaign for Coming Out day. Part of me is delighted at the effort but the rest of me is very sad that even here in Seattle, even here in 2005, not only is an ad campaign like this being done, but it's needed and it's so remarkable that it's worth a newspaper column because it is so man-bites-dog.

I actually thought that I might - by creating this entry - come to some fine, grand conclusion or even answer but here I am at the end and I got nothing. It's not fair.

Comments

Susan Dennis!

[rev-hank.livejournal.com]

on behalf of Queers everywhere...
Thank You.
The world could use a few? more people like you.


ps:
where can one see/read a copy of your letter?

Re: Susan Dennis!

[susandennis]

See, that's my point! How can I infect everyone who needs infecting?! Maybe that's it. We need an attitude vacine.

Good question on the letter. It wasn't that great of a letter - bascially it said 'thanks from a straight girl for a program like In the Life where I can learn stuff that I woudn't have enough nerve to ask my friends about'. I think it is/was read so much because, sadly, it may have been the only one they got.

[vasilatos]

Well jeez, how to say?

Good.

On the letter-writing: I wrote a Big Letter to my family, outing myself and expressing a lot of outrage. I gave an interview to the newspaper about how I felt uncomfortable in my workplace. I marched. I made loud rude noises and kissed my girlfriend in public. What happened? Zip.

I'm glad about your letter, but I'm far, far gladder that you seem to get why *your* letter resonated more than mine.

[susandennis]

I do think - really - that all these little bits do help. But, I guess, I'm looking for the bigger bits so that the help comes faster.

[vasilatos]

Actually, to be realistic and look at what happened over time: my family gathered around me and is very supportive and now pays a lot of attention to whether folks are oppressed for being gay (and my family is rawther powerful). They also announced that they "always knew". :-)

Plus, all the marching and news articles and whathaveyou seem to have led to a sea change in our society. It is happening. It really is. Throw all the bits into the blender and yay! We have a daiquiri! (Or, social change...)

[phornax.livejournal.com]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, Susan.

Try not to get too get discouraged. We're working to change attitudes which have been passed on for countless generations in various parts of the globe.

Those attitudes are, are in my estimation (and this is just reacting to the Judeo-Xtian tradition against hot-hot man-man sex-sex):

1. horrible treatment of women, i.e. "man acting like woman" is "wrong"
   
2. gross misunderstanding of sexual biology, i.e. for a long time people thought that semen (which means "seed" after all) contained complete homunculi for which women were only ovens, and therefore wasting seed was killing life
   
3. gross mispresentation of the knowledge of human sexuality through the working of the brain, or thinking that men have 100% male brains and women have 100% female brains.

[susandennis]

Wow. Interesting. I am rarely - ok, never - called hot, but even more never a hot oven. I would not have gotten the refrence. Now I do and I hope the first dude who calls me that is small enough for me to beat the crap out of. :)

And, yeah, patience is not one of my strong suits.

[machupicchu.livejournal.com]

.
.
One of my favorite quotes is by Gandhi: "Be the change you want to see in the world." I try very much to aspire to that ideal, and I regard you as one of the people who do as well.

Trust me on this: in spite of seemingly minimal immediate effects, it really does make a big, big difference.
.
.

[susandennis]

That is a great quote. However, it does make me wonder if I really do want the world to be fat with a really snarky attitude. I guess I hope whoever is in charge knows to pick only the good bits.

[davmoo.livejournal.com]

I grew up in a state (Kentucky) that, although during the Civil War it was called a "border state", in reality has *very* southern and bible-belt attitudes. And I now live in a state (Indiana) that even though its a "northern state", its still home to a bunch of ignorant closed-minded people.

The thing that distresses me most about local attitudes about homosexuality and the issues involved is that, quite literally, if you listen to racist rhetoric from the 60s and replace the word "nigger" with "queer", you get *exactly* the kind of rhetoric I'm hearing now about gay people and why their rights should be restricted. But those spouting the crap always claim "but this is different!" I must be a twit, because I fail to see how.

There's an old saying that says those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. And its obvious we, as a supposed "free" society, haven't learned a damned thing. Now we look at old laws from the past that banned marriage between races and laugh at the ignorance of those who wrote them and approved them. 50 years from now, the people of that time will be looking back and laughing at our ignorance and homophobia as they vote to overturn all the stupid laws we're concocting.

[susandennis]

Great analogy. I grew up with white and colored water fountains (and was one of the legends of children sorely disappointed to find out that the colored fountain did not, in fact, have colored water - what a rip off).

I do hope that in 50 years this will all look stupid.

[davmoo.livejournal.com]

I'm not quite old enough to remember legalized forced segregation. But I do remember things like there were two parks in my neighborhood...blacks went to one, whites went to the other, and that's how it was law or no law. I also remember noticing little things like how, when I would ride the bus to downtown Louisville with my grandmother, the buses serving the white areas were *considerably* newer than the buses serving the black areas of the city.

And its both amusing and sad when I hear people using quotes from the bible to justify that sort of thing.

Let's Go Back In Time!

[quirkstreet.livejournal.com]

(In a Judy Tenuta voice): let's go back in time!

Shall we? Let's go back 30-35 years to when I was a kid. Jokes about "women drivers" were still acceptable in polite company. Questions about whether women "belonged" in the professional workforce were common. Doubts about whether women could "handle" high technology were normal. And computers were this rare thing on sci-fi TV shows.

So here you are, a woman who's had a long and (from what I can tell) fabulous career as a professional computer engineer/programmer. Sort of a trailblazer.

And you're worried that you may not do enough for your friends who aren't white and/or straight.

And why do you worry about this? Because you realize that, for anything in your life that might have been difficult, there are things that were probably *easier* for you than for other people, because sometimes straight white girls (or WOMEN) have it "easier" than SOME people who might have it worse on average.

Meanwhile, people younger than I don't even realize that it used to be "common wisdom" that straight white computer programmer women like you would never exist. You're so far past worrying about that, you're on to a whole 'nother level of positive changes you can try to help make in the world around us. And you are doing it whenever you can.

Far as I can tell, you're golden, honey. Take a hug.

Re: Let's Go Back In Time!

[susandennis]

Wow. Thank you. That's some interesting perspective. Wow. And, some excellent points. And thanks for the hug. Wow. I'm beginnging to feel a lot less ineffectual!

[ruralrob.livejournal.com]

You did good today, Susan.

[susandennis]

Thank you.

[vaneramos.livejournal.com]

XOXOXO

[susandennis]

back atcha :)

[dizzdvl.livejournal.com]

Up until recently most of my friends were gay men. My friend Jim was the one who opened my eyes because I was just a dumb small town kid who didn't know anything. Of course, I was STUPID and I thought he was CUTE and I was so excited to go over to his apartment. But then he whipped a tape in the VCR and it was his first drag show. Hee! I was dumb! (He was cute though damnit.)

I have strong views on it because Jim was beaten up because he was gay and thei broke his back. Another friend is HIV+ and I just worry about him. (It's virtually undetecable now thru medicines, but still.) I just have so many friends who are gay that it pisses me off to no end when people are stupid about it.

My bro-in-law caught the wrath of me one day when he said two guys walking looked queer. First of all they looked like dorks more than anything else. And second of all who gives a rat's ass if they are gay or straight? They are just two guys walking down the street. It's not catching! (Although my friend Jeff says he can convert cute straight men, the little weasel!)

Sometimes I get sick of some of the politics of it all, but then again I get sick of the politics of anything all the time. I just wish people would get their heads out of their butts for once and realize they are stupid. But then again they probably want me to get my head out of my butt because I'm stupid. Opposing views might always be apposing views.

Yeah, I wish I had a point.

[susandennis]

Yeah, I wish I had a point.

I think you have a great point and I'm glad you put it into my journal :)

[dizzdvl.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Now I know I was in a serious frame of mind when I wrote it because it is chock full of spelling errors. And I sent out a couple of emails to the friends I mentioned because it has been awhile since I have checked in on them.

[cloverbee.livejournal.com]

I don't have any advice or counsel but I wanted you to know how much I appreciate you writing this. I also wanted to tell you what a great job you did expressing your thoughts.

::adds to favorite posts of all time list::

[susandennis]

Thank you very much. That just makes my day. Thank you!

[jawnbc]

have you heard the latest? You are the greatest!

Keep kicking eloquent ass. Uh, er ass, eloquently. Uh, yeah, that.

[susandennis]

Ha! Now you are cracking me up. Eloquent ass.. I like that.

[slinkr.livejournal.com]

What everyone else said. Nothing is ever enough, but the little things still count for a lot. I have stories of straight people who did little things (that they've probably forgotten about by now) that I come back to when I need a lift.

[susandennis]

That's nice to hear. Nice to know the little things make a difference.

[katbyte.livejournal.com]

I really don't have much more to contribute. The fact that you did anything says it all. If everyone did that much, we wouldn't have the problems we do. Thank you for saying eloquently, what needs to be said.

Any discrimination just pisses me off.