Whew... what a day

[susandennis]

Well, I think I've fast tracked through the stages of grief.  I was stunned for a while.  And then I was pissed at being abandoned by my friend.  And then I was so incredibly sad.  Sadder than I can remember being in a long long time. 

And now I'm probably more grateful than anything else.  I'm glad he didn't suffer.  He would have hated drama - any medical drama would have made him really not happy.  He skipped all that.  He left on top. He went out as he lived as his own man.  By himself.  On his own.  I'm grateful and I'm envious and hope the same for me. 

Independent of his sister, I got an email from his brother telling me the news - complete with clinical details... hemochromatosis. 

He also asked me if I knew John's friends, Dick and Sue.  He said he'd never known their last names or where they were.  If I did know would I contact them.  I did know Dick and Sue.  I hired Dick into IBM and introduced him to Sue and they've been married now for, gosh, I guess a dozen years now.  But, I'd totally lost track.  They used to live in Palo Alto but they were not in information. 

I looked up a few more names and kept hitting roadblocks.  Finally, I found a woman we all (Dick, Sue, John and the others we worked and played with when we were all in Northern California), knew.  I found an organization where she is a board member and figured I could contact them tomorrow and get a message to her.  But, then miraculously, I discovered that one of the few things I did not toss out was an old address book that included her phone number.  It was so old the area code was wrong but the number was right.  Two rings and I was talking to her for the first time in at least a dozen years - she sounded just like herself.  She knew where everyone was (Dick and Sue are now in Nevada) and had email addresses.  So she sent out a note.

I spent a lot of today swapping notes with the people on her list.  I've only heard from a few so far.  Most of the email addresses were work ones.  I suspect I'll hear from the rest tomorrow. 

And now a thank you.  Often when one of my LJ friends has trauma or drama or is just down, I can't think of anything to say except what everyone else does or just I'm sorry or I'm thinking of them and it always seems so lame and sometimes I don't even leave a comment thinking no comment is better than a dumb one. 

Warning.  This will never happen again.  I know now just how valuable a simple 'I'm sorry' can be.  All day, in between notes and crying jags and phone calls, your wishes and thoughts and simple sympathy meant more than I could ever have imagined.  Thank you.  I'm sorry for all the times I didn't tell you that I was sorry.  It will not happen again. Friends are the best and thank you very very much.

Comments

[vasilatos]

Well then. I didn't know whether to convey my sentiments of shock and
sorry. Probably a lot of people do that. (And even Miss Manners told
me to knock it off.) So Susan, hey. What an incredible downer, I'm so
sorry to hear about your friend, but also glad that he gets a pretty big
spread into the world via you. We needed to know about him, so thanks.

[susandennis]

Thanks. Really.

[vasilatos]

Well, I get the impression John had a good sense of humor, and
after a quick check, hematochromatosis, while rare in humans,
is a real problem for toucans.

Take care of yourself. I'm still sorry you lost a friend.

[fj.livejournal.com]

Sorry Susan, but many people actually cycle through the stages. Brace yourself for perhaps more.

But we will be here to read you.

Me too

[spiritgirl.livejournal.com]

I'm right with you on not commenting or not knowing what to say. I'm sorry for your loss. Regardless of how we feel about death, or knowing if he suffered or not, or feeling like 50 something is much too young to die, the fact is, you have lost the opportunity to share experiences with this friend. May you find peace and comfort in your find memories of him and the expereinces you were able to share. Blessings to you!

[pheon.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry about your sudden loss.

And you're right: we should all respond to these traumas even if unable to say more than ""I'm sorry."

[dizzdvl.livejournal.com]

Can you imagine how hard it would be to contact others without the internet now? I'm glad you found that address book and were able to contact all those people.

Yeah, I think *hugs* are an incredibly stupid thing, but then I find myself using them when I really mean it. I've started saying something even when I don't know what to say.

And we're all reading in case more grief sneaks up on you.

[artisanal_xara]

What awful news.

Hemochromatosis runs in my family. As far as I know it causes damage to joints and is pretty rotten to have, but I had no idea it could be deadly. I also know it's worse in men because women menstruate monthly and thus get rid of quite a bit of the excess iron. Not that you wanted my limited medical knowledge.

Deepest sympathy. I didn't comment earlier, but I've been thinking about you today.

[susandennis]

That's EXACTLY how John's sister explained it. They are actually going to do an autopsy to be sure but the current theory is that he had massive iron in his system from years of build up. They never knew it was in the family.

[letmesaythis.livejournal.com]

I've just read about your friend, John, and I am so sorry.

Susan, I'm sorry to hear about John

[vixter.livejournal.com]

and it seems tragic because I think the excess iron disease is sometimes treatable.

Anyway, he seemed like a great travel buddy. Which can be a rare commodity.

You are right about the comments. A short comment, even if it echoes all the other comment is 1000 times better than no comment at all. This past winter when my mother was dying, I remember that everybody I considered my true LJ friend left a comment. That meant a lot to me.

[annenahaymus.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean about the value of even the most simple sentiment. I think it's because no matter what is said, behind it is the energy of what is intended.

And I too, have benefited from the simple love and concern of others these recent weeks and it really is a precious gift.

[phornax.livejournal.com]

Thanks for letting us know about your friend. I'm sorry you had to find out this way.

[teasdale.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear about your friend, too. I hope that he went peacefully in his sleep. Like you, I think that is a dignified and graceful way to leave this life. It's always hard on those that are left to mourn, but there is the comfort that he did not suffer, and has gone on to a better place.

My thoughts are with you.

[pinkrose70.livejournal.com]

Sad news to read about your friend John.

I read your post, and purposely didn't comment.

Not because I didn't want to, but because I know what it's like to lose
a good friend all of a sudden. It affected me worse than relatives passing away. Most of those were expected.

But, I do remember that when I first stumbled upon your journal...I sat and
read all about your New Zealand trips. Good times and good memories for you.

I didn't comment mainly because I didn't think that I should say this, but I will now anyway:

If your journal suddenly just stopped being here for all of us to read, and something happened to YOU,it would definitely be a void and you would be terribly missed. (I won't nag you about medical stuff)

Anne