Thinking of John

[susandennis]

It's been several years since John was here to visit.  He lived in Japan for a while and then in Australia and then he had a girlfriend in Australia and he kept going back there and then this year when he was in this country and over the girlfriend, my house was torn up and 'his' room was where the boxes where.  So we talked about maybe December or maybe January. 

Even though he hadn't been here in a long time, I always knew he would be back. I have always stored up John things for his trips.  New restaurants.  Old sites.  Changes. 

Small things - he loved to go get fresh bagels in the morning and bring them back here for eating with paper reading.  His favorite bagel shop is gone but I found him a new one to try.  There is one perfect (in our book) restaurant in town - Rovers - we always try to get there once.  There's a great wonderful beef restaurant - the Metropolitan - where even though it's not on the menu, we can still get steak tartare and we try to work in a trip.  He once lived in a very yuppy 'hood called Madison Park and he loves to drive through there and see what's new.  It's been a while so there's a fair amount new since he last saw it.  And we walk all over everywhere and I can show him the stuff I've stumbled on and fun little bits and surprises.

Every day I see or hear or think of something that then snaps me back to the realization that he is dead and he's never going to be here to share these things again.  It is a very sad feeling. 

I have developed a little trick to deal with these little snaps.  I have a list of things that really annoyed me about him.  Little things.  When I get hit with one of these John things - something that isn't going to ever happen or ever happen again - I try to pair it with one of the annoying things for balance. 

It's important to me that I do not blow him out of proportion.  I want to remember him as he was - the good and the bad.  And honestly, I'd like to get a little more used to the idea that he is dead so I can quit getting these little surprise sadnesses every day.  But we spent a lot of really perfect Christmases together so I suspect it's going to be January before it gets any better.

Comments

[katbyte.livejournal.com]

this entry made me cry. Kind of in a good way, but still very sad.

I could pass by the Holidays and not miss them at all.

Still, nice to have had people in our lives that gave us such good memories. I am thankful for that.

Funny how the annoying things melt away and just leave the good memories.

Enough: I sound like a G..damned Pollyanna.

Sorry.

[susandennis]

Thanks. You point out something I need to remember that I am lucky to have had him in my life to help me create those cool memories. Thanks.

[melodysk.livejournal.com]

I rarely give you one but here is a *hug*. I know what you mean, my best male friend Pete died earlier this year and I get the same *little things* Unfortunately the school where I work is almost opposite his house which has recently been sold ....

[susandennis]

Thanks. I would have thought that my not having seen him in a long time would have made it easier. Shows how wrong I was! Those little things are really a kicker as you have discovered!

[laciann.livejournal.com]

I don't know if you're into (hugs) or not, but here's a sympathetic pat on the back.

Two summers ago, my best friends younger brother, who was also my brothers best friend, died while making his regular long-weekend visit to my brothers home. Very suddenly and freaky.

I noticed that this summer that everytime I was out in the yard, and heard a motorbike go by, my first thought was "Oh, is Paul back in town?" Then I'd remember he was dead. I don't know when you stop forgetting that he's gone.

[susandennis]

Thank you. It is comforting to know it's not just me.

[pinkrose70.livejournal.com]

I've had many relative die in my life...all from illness, and all pretty much expected.

But, I didn't expect my friend, and co-worker and compassionate, wonderful Oncology nurse to die. She burned parts of her body while frying chicken for her husband. I went to visit her several times over about 3 months...at the Grossman Burn Center. We had fun visits, all she really wanted was my company and a cigarette. I promised her that I'd bring cigs when she was able to sit outside away from the Oxygen tanks and I could hold it for her.


The last time I called her..she didn't answer the phone, so I called the Nurses Station. She had been transferred to a re-hab facility.

I was glad, that meant that she'd be going home soon.

A couple weeks later, I called her husband to ask how Ruth was doing...and was planning to go see her after work that evening. (had 2 packs of Pall Malls..her brand and a few other goodies in the the car for our visit)

Bob quietly told me that Ruth had died a few weeks before. WHAT? He'd been so distraught, he hadn't called anyone. They were childless, but had 2 cats and a dog.

She had an aggressive brain tumor, unknown even to her doctors. I felt so bad. Had I known, I would have taken off work and sat in her room with her, as she had done for so many of her cancer and AIDS patients in the 10 years we worked together.

My point in telling you this?

I still have the 2 packs of cigarettes on my bookshelf.

And, I REALLY miss my friend!

[pinkrose70.livejournal.com]

Not that it matters, but that should have said..that Ruth died a few DAYS before..not weeks.

[susandennis]

What a nice tribute to your friend. I wouldn't mind being remembered by a couple of packs of cigarettes. It's so human. Thanks for sharing that.

[pinkrose70.livejournal.com]

You share so much with me (and all of us!)...I'm happy to comment.

Thanks for not minding me taking up space in Your journal!

It was my friend Ruth who supported me when I was so hesitant to adopt my orange tabby Alex. I'm so glad that she did. I've had 13 great years with him.

You may remember my earthquake story and my trauma of not being able to find my little dog, Taffy and Alex. Ruth had a far greater loss. Her 9 year old German Shepherd died at home the evening of the Northridge Earthquake. She had no choice but to keep him in her garage for 3 days until she could properly "bury" her boy.

Ruth gave me a wonderful book for Christmas, a 3 volume..I can't recall right now the author's name. He wrote The Cat Who Came for Christmas.

One last thing..and I'm going to sleep, finally.

Susan, I can't thank you enough for the book reviews. I finished my first Michael Connelly..City of Bones last night.

But one of the best books I've ever read was one that I read a few weeks ago..on your recommendation, "Mortal Fear."

Thank you!