So Susan, What would you change about yourself or your life? Is there a way for you to change it?

[susandennis]

There are a lot of little things but then, if I tweak those, what would happen to the others. I've made a lot of giant errors in my life but pretty much grew roses out of shit every time so I'd be a little anxious to change much.

What I would like a mulligan on is how I treated my parents. I never had a good attitude about them. At 18 months, they brought home a new baby and I think I stayed pissed about that for a long time.

I totally won the parent lottery and never appreciated it enough.

My Mom was hard to get close to but always a kick and a half to be around. She was a straight shooter who took no prisoners. And she had the fastest tongue in the west. I spent the last six years of her life in very close contact and we shared amazing and wonderful times. I just wish I'd started that earlier.

My bother says that the problem between me and my father was that we were too much alike. He might be right. My dad gave me oh so much. Some of my very best childhood memories are of me and him or just of him in general. As I grew into adulthood, he made sure I had the best best starting block possible. He taught me how to deal with money and how to consider and recognize success.

But he was such a bigot. A closeted bigot but a bigot nonetheless. It grated on me constantly. He had black friends and gay friends and lots of Jewish friends and always always thought they were broken people. He assumed that everyone who was poor was that way by choice and/or bad decisions that they refuse to fix.

He had a great singing voice and always sang in the church choir. One time when I was an adult visiting them in their tiny Southern town, after dinner one Saturday night, we went to a gospel sing in an outdoor theater. It was wonderful except, we had to sit in an obscure corner way in the back "I sure don't want anyone to know I would come to something like this," he explained.

I didn't 'get' him and I couldn't understand how he could sit in church every single Sunday and feel such hatred and disdain for so many.

For many many many years we never saw each other and, when we did, it was strained and not that much fun. We did have a great trip to New Zealand about 5 years before he died so that's better than nothing but still not great and I regret so much where he is concerned.

So the things I would change are things like I would like to have been kinder to him and to them both. I would like to have shown them how much I appreciated them. And I would like to have mined them for more good stuff.

And, no, there's no way to change it. Daddy died of heart failure in 1999 and Mom died of heart/lung and old age in 2005.

Comments

[rosegardenfae.livejournal.com]

After reading your post I realize I feel much the same way about my parents. I really didn't know them.

[susandennis]

I think about now, how much I appreciate people asking me about me and my life and history. I am old but still, so far, younger than they were when they died. The list of stuff I didn't ask them is just endless. Sad.

[colestainedpage.livejournal.com]

Same here. Both of my parents are gone, and even though my mom lived with me until she passed I still feel as if I had no idea who they really were.

[sweetmeow]

When my father died in 1988 at the age of 67 - - the age I am now - - I remember telling Ray that I never really knew him and how sad it was that now that he was gone, the secrets of who he was went with him. I still think about how weird it is that someone I loved so much could be such a mystery. And, actually, my mom was the same way. Maybe even more so that way... You just didn't ask them personal stuff

I suspect in that era parents wanted this boundary between parent and child ... even adult children.

But - we did learn a little more....

in 2013 when we were cleaning out their house after Mom's death, we found - hidden away - piles of daily letters to each other when they were dating (1938 - 1945) and also during certain times after their 1945 marriage (Dad traveled - sometimes for as much as 3 or 4 weeks.) My siblings and I read them all. Omg -- they were amazing letters. Both were exceptional writers, giving us much insight into their lives, beliefs, and values, and who they were as people - not just "mom" and "dad". We also got to know the World War II era through their eyes and how it affected their lives. Sad that we couldn't have shared some of this while they lived.

[susandennis]

wow. What an amazing find.

[brigitte lichtenberger-fenz (from livejournal.com)]

I understand and share your thoughts. But I also think that our parents didn't make it easy for their kids, not even their adult kids, to seem them as persons, as individuals with their own story.

[zoefruitcake.livejournal.com]

I had a very complicated relationship with my father and I wish it had been better, but it is best to just remember the good bits as there is no point in regretting the bad

[badrobot68.livejournal.com]

So many of us don't get to know our parents as actual humans until they're much older. Mine are both still in my life but I don't see them often, and I don't think they ever really understood me. I've always felt pretty distant from them, but they're not very open people really.