So Susan, Have you lost any important friends?

[susandennis]

Oh yeah. I am not a good friend. Virtually or IRL. I'm not sure why. I don't make friends easily and to say something always happens is to disown responsibility. I'm pretty darned sure that the fault is all mine. I'm not sure whether it's because I don't have the skills or don't have the passion to maintain friendships or maybe both. I lose LJ friends a lot and never know why. I got unfriended again this morning.

(It's really unfair to toss LJ friends into the mix as it is a very different dynamic for the most part and I enjoy the come-and-go - ness of it. But, since most people these days lock their journals down, unfriending means I am locked out of reading and that's a big bummer. Consequences of not being a good enough friend!)

In college, I met Heather along about my freshman year. We bonded like super glue immediately. We were instant and truly best friends. She knew my family, I knew hers. She lived in West Virginia and I lived in North Carolina. She moved to Kentucky and I moved to Connecticut. She went to Tuscon and I went to Seattle. All along the way we were besties. For a quarter of a century. And then not.

Family differences really did most of the prying loose. She had a daughter who was a really intolerable toddler. I had my reasons for not being close to my family and she did not approve one tiny bit. Mainly I think our very different lives, coated with layers of complicated geography just wore the friendship out.

I have not talked to her in a couple of decades. I assume she's still in Arizona and still married to the same guy and that the toddler is now a grownup but they are all assumptions. I have no facts at all. Clearly she has very little online presence - probably all on facebook. I can find clues but that's it. I wonder what she's up to and how are her mother and father and little sister and brother. (Her sister once came to visit Seattle years and years ago and called me when she got here to ask where Kurt Cobain's grave was - he had died earlier that year. I had no idea who he was or where he was buried. Alison was less than impressed.)

I'm not sure there are even enough threads or interest to do any reparation work on the friendship but I really do regret that I let that one go.

Comments

[missdiane.livejournal.com]

I see myself in you. Hopefully you can figure it out so that it doesn't weigh on you

[susandennis]

A sure sign that it really is my fault is that it does rarely weigh on me. It's a choice and I'm pretty fine with it most of the time.

Interesting to read something that rings so true from a stranger, isn't it?

[zoefruitcake.livejournal.com]

I know how you feel, well sort of at least. At school I was the type of girl who was nominally friends with everyone however people I thought were good friends have never made the effort with me. When Friends reunited came on the scene I was ecstatic to find two girls I thought I had been really close with, only for one to be unsure who I was (we'd only been out of touch for less than 10 years at that point) and the other to be less than warmly receiving of my message. But that's fine, I prefer online friends most of the time anyway

[susandennis]

Online friends are so good for so many reasons. I'm sure that I'd fall out with many of mine IRL but online I can find such benefits from having them around all the time!

[sweetmeow]

As an online outsider looking in, I observe - almost in awe - of how much you know and like yourself. You are very clear how much control you have of your life, and if there is something out of your control (which, of course, is part of life), you are always in charge of your responses and choices, and have mastered the fine art of "acceptance" and positive outlook. You claim your personal power, and I know many who give this up to "relationships".

When you add relationships to the mix, it's an added wrinkle to this scenario. Too many people I know - INCLUDING ME! - compromise their identity - i.e. - their beliefs, values, preferences, and priorities to being in relationships. If they were to look within and really evaluate why they do this, it's because they fear being alone. However, you are not in this crowd. You put yourself first, thrive on being alone, and do not compromise yourself for anyone else.

You know what? You're the healthy one.

[susandennis]

Holy moly. That's some amazing feedback. And some clarity that I never actually thought about.

I'll be honest, if you were to ask me what I value and want most for me it's everything you describe in your first paragraph. Wow. How very gratifying to know that at least here in this journal, I've managed to project that. Very cool and how wonderful of you to explain it so nicely. Wow.

And, yes, getting there means giving up stuff like people :)

Thank you. A lot.

[gracegiver]

This is a very insightful response. And I can't express my thoughts as well as you, but ... Susan ... what she said.

[susandennis]

Thank you so much.

[gneu.livejournal.com]

I'm not unfriending ya!

[dixonvixen.livejournal.com]

I lose friends a lot. I’ve had several friends I thought were good friends from LJ just up and delete their journals and block me on other social media stuff.

[katbyte.livejournal.com]

Over my very long life, I have made some real friends but only 2 very best friends. Once has died, the other has always been there for me and I for her, no matter what. When my husband died last year, she was here. I still am amazed that I had either of them in my life and wonder why they stuck with me, but they did and I am grateful. (even though I miss my husband because he always had my back) unlike the first one who shaped the rest of my life in ways I never understood until I grew up.

Being alone has never bothered me and has really improved my bridge game.

The only person I really see you miss is your friend John. Everyone should understand themselves as well as you do, I envy that in you at times.

I do know that true friends are always there for you and do not desert you in spite of yourself. No judging. Not the ones who bail you out, the ones who sit beside you and say: That was fun!!

[fflo.livejournal.com]

I hear ya on missing reading people whose lives you've been following via lj. A couple of those have been real bummers to me.

In general I'm trying not to take it so hard, losing people. I go the other way on this stuff, generally, and hate a burned bridge. But radical acceptance, and thus sanity?, depends on accepting loss, of all things dear and less so, and people have probably been too dear to me. I dunno. We're social animals. I was maybe too social an animal?

This biz is an issue for me, I guess.