Am I dying? I think this is it.

[susandennis]

In the last year of my Mom's life, she fell a few times and the last time, as she was being wheeled into the hospital, she said to Molly, the wonderful woman who took care of her, "Am I dying? Is this it? I think this is it."

And it was. 5 days later. She was 82 and tired. She'd have been fine with going on but she was equally ok with its being the end. I do think it was interesting that she knew.

I wonder if I'll know. I wonder that a lot. The older I get the more I wonder. I do not stress about dying alone and not being found for days. I'll be dead. I won't give a shit whether or not I'm found. I'd rather not drop and be in pain for days but dying, I'm ok with.

Will one of these coughing fits just end in not being able to breathe at all? I wondered that last night, when in the middle of the night, I spent a good 5 minutes really struggling. But, I pulled out of it and that turned out to be the only part of the night that was a problem at all. I slept well.

I got up rough. Massive coughing. I seriously thought about not swimming but I rallied and thought that maybe my lungs might appreciate it. I think they did. It was not the greatest swim ever but I managed 1,900 yards and most of it was fine. And being in the water is always good.

I stopped and got some breakfast and then stopped for a few things at Trader Joe's and then came home and tried to sleep. But wound up coughing instead. So now I'm sitting on the bed in the dark, internetting. I think I'm just going to watch TV and knit and maybe do nothing else today.

Comments

[slinkslowdown.livejournal.com]

My best friend died in his sleep when he was 25; had a brain aneurysm.

Years earlier, I came home and found my mother in the middle of a brain aneurysm while awake [she survived after emergency surgery, but spent months in hospital after]. After seeing that, I'm forever thankful that East went without even knowing it. That is not a fun way to go if you're awake.

[susandennis]

I totally agree. My aunt had an brain aneurysm. She died after a day of what must have been horrible pain.

[slinkslowdown.livejournal.com]

I grew up with an epileptic father and had to call 911 for him hundreds of times since I can remember. I was five years old and had to know our address, phone number, and how to call an ambulance.

But I was 18 years old when I came home and found Mom and that's the first time I ever had to call for help for her. It really shook me.

[rsc.livejournal.com]

You know that subject line was just a little cruel, don't you?

[susandennis]

Oops. Nope. I didn't think of that at all.

Sorry. Really. I'll be more careful.

Love,

Still Not Dead

[nattalie-m.livejournal.com]

Jesus.. you scared me with this entry. Get ride of that cough, I want you in this world for more years!!

[susandennis]

So sorry. I didn't think about that. Thank you.

[nattalie-m.livejournal.com]

I just caught up with LJ and I see you are having hard time with that cough. I hope you feel better soon. Did you try with steam or it will make the cough worse?

[opakele.livejournal.com]

You keep pushing, though.

My dad has taught me that. Just keep going...

I hope this is just a spell.

[susandennis]

Oh it is. Just a spell. It will be gone by Saturday.

Thank you.

I've actually been thinking of you since Monday and hope that you either found a way to work or a way to not have to go! Just read that I-5 is now open again. Whew.