Go or not go

[susandennis]

Mom's ensconced in the ICU and Polly's leaning on me to come out. And I'm resisting.

I have visions of my getting there and she's dead. Or I get there and she gets better and then in two weeks needs me to come back because they are making her live in the nursing unit and she needs help getting everything set up. Or any one of a dozen different scenarios which aren't good plus I am totally worthless around hospitals and doctors and medical situations of any kinds.

Mother and Daddy picked Charleston for retirement knowing full well that none of us lived or would ever live anywhere close by.

There is no reason why I can't do my job from Mom's apartment. And there is nothing in the next couple of weeks that compels me to be here at all. There is nothing preventing me from going except me.

Fuck. The ugly reality is that I do not want to go. There's no getting around that.

Fuck.

Comments

[laciann.livejournal.com]

Will there be guilt if you don't go, and the worst happens? If so, can you live with it?

That might be harder to deal with than the reluctance to see your mother this way.

Just something to think about.

[susandennis]

good point and no, i won't feel guilty if she dies and i didn't go.

[judith.livejournal.com]

I think you should go with your feelings. You've been a super daughter and your mom knows that, whatever comes.

[susandennis]

thank you.

[fj.livejournal.com]

Does she need you there, for anything? Do you think she is frightened without you?

[susandennis]

No she doesn't need me but maybe she would be comforted by my being there. More good points. Thanks.

[geordie.livejournal.com]

Does she even want you there?

[susandennis]

I don't know. I'm guessing she would be comforted by having someone there - one of us kids and I think I'd clearly be her second choice... no one wants me around in a medical anything. But, I don't know if she knows what she wants.

[geordie.livejournal.com]

Tough call then. You know better than anyone else on here though.

[kyrielle]

Does your mom want you there? Do you want to be there, if she wants you there?

Or is this just 'Polly wants you there'? And if so, do you want to be there for Polly? Or if this is too much for Polly solo and that's the issue, does she need someone helping her if you're not there?

[susandennis]

You, hit on all of the things to consider. And all of the things my sister thought of. And she is going and she is the best to go (although I will say that it is more difficult in so many ways for her to go - family, job, etc. but she wants to and I that's what counts and she will feel badly if Mom dies and she doesn't).

[jawnbc]

Having been there, when I first found out Ma was in hospital last year, lots of people shouted "go!" But it was unclear to me when/if I should go. When it was clearer, my going was the right thing to do.

I had lots of reasons not to go: shitty relationship with a father who's at his worst under stress (especially around sick people), money, probably not getting their in time, knowing my way of doing things would differ from theirs.

But a time came when I just knew I had to go. Not want to, in fact loathing it, but had to. Even with all the paradoxes and mindfucks and confusion.

I recommend only making a decision to go when it feels like you should. In the meantime, perhaps research how you could get there, in case you need that info close at hand.

You're a smart, tough cookie. You'll get it right.

[susandennis]

Thank you so much. Now you made me cry. Bitch... (just realizing that you are probaly reading this without seeing my next entry about my sister going... anyway... thank you.)

[nanne.livejournal.com]

Tough one, this. I can only look back at my parents' and the struggles in these situations. I think it depends how much you can communicate with your mother. My garndfather had a stroke and he was alive but unconscious the last few days of his life. It was scary to me as an 18 year old. My mother found it comforting to be with her father-in-law nonetheless, talking to him as if he might hear her. My father could not find any comfort from it, it made him even more angry and emotional. So much depends on how you relate to the person in the first place. You could also go just to reconnect with your sister...

My thoughts are with you.

[roadskoller.livejournal.com]

I feel for you. I don't know what I'd do in your place. Stan's parents retired to Arkansas and are becoming more feeble with every day. Stan will not go either.