Wedding anniversary

[susandennis]

Today is the anniversary of my wedding. 1979. I was 30. My husband was 51. I was old enough to know better and so was he. There was no reason for us to marry. We didn't want children. He had 5, I didn't want any. He even had experience - knew better - at being married (I was number 2 out of 4 that I know of) and I was not stupid (well, that could probably be debated).

A friend who had known me for a very long time said that I did it to be able to say I had done it. Sadly, she probably was right. Clearly I did not give it very much thought.

I knew the very day I married that I had made a mistake. I hated every single thing about being married. And I hated the idea of admiting to the world - with a divorce - that I had made such a horrible mistake. So I stayed married. For four years. It was not fun.

There were some highlights. My husband was a newspaper reporter. Except for the year we got married, our anniversary fell on or near election night so he was generally out of town or tied up and we didn't have to pretend to celebrate which was always such a relief.

Once, our house was robbed. I came home from work and the front door was open and his stereo equipment was in the front hallway. We figured out later that the robbers were frightened away before they finished. But, my very first thought when I saw it was: "yahoo! he's leaving!!" Not so lucky.

Finally, on New Years Day, 1983, we'd come home from a party that afternoon and were watching the news on TV and he said 'I think we should get a divorce'. I said 'ok.' And that was it.

I did learn, though. I learned that I am not made to live with another human. I had several subsequent relationships that could have easily ended up in marriage and/or co-habitation. I never even came close. I might not have been too bright the first time around but I didn't forget the lesson.

Comments

[judith.livejournal.com]

Wowee, such an understanding of yourself.

I *didn't* get married, although my daughters' father wanted to. I knew we wouldn't last. And now I think it would have been better if I actually had married him. But only in one respect: it would have been easier to separate! As it was, I couldn't get through to him that I wanted out until I physically moved my daughters and myself out of the house we shared. It would have been better if I could have filed divorce papers.

I can understand your doing it just to say you'd done it, though. Or to prove to yourself that you could. I am strange this way, too. I get into things as a way of testing myself.

[susandennis]

You are right, the divorce says it pretty clearly. And without that there can be problems.

I had another relationship - actually the next one after the marriage - that was a bitch to end and we didn't even live together. I finally had to move to another time zone. And that didn't even do it totally. I remember talking on the phone telling him how much I was looking forward to Christmas by myself. The next day he called and said 'guess what?! I can come visit you for Christmas!' ?????? There ensued a painful conversation where I was required to spell it out for him - letter by letter.

Of course, one could conclude that I do/did tend to attact a stange sort. I am done with that now... gratefully.

[melodysk.livejournal.com]

I knew I had made amistake with my first marriage but ploughed on until 14 years had passed ;) Got married in 73 when I was 18 and he was 24...*sigh* He never changed ..never matured at all. I still see him and have still the same impression. Next April I celebrate 14 years of being married to Stephen ..I love being married to him.

I *know* people who should be living the single life and are struggling with being married ...I admire you for knowing yourself so well and having the balls to stand up and say it

[susandennis]

I think there is nothing sadder than people struggling against themselves.

[greyandred.livejournal.com]

Hmm. My parents were getting divorced that year, too. Their divorce, however, lasted for three years and included many turnarounds, some violence and a nasty custody battle over my three-year-old self. Reading your entry, I'm impressed that you both were able to get it over with the way you did, and that you have such understanding and confidence in yourself now. Though I've never been married myself, I know enough to know that divorce can range from painful to unbearably excruciating. You are in many ways lucky! :-)

[susandennis]

We were very lucky, indeed. I decided to get out of the situation as quickly and painlessly as possible. I took the microwave and my computer and my clothes. He's still living in the house with all my furniture. But, frankly, it was a small price to pay for freedom and a good lesson learned.

[spiritgirl.livejournal.com]

There's a reason you like Sue Grafton books....you and Kinsey could be sisters! I just love her books....Sue Grafton, take me away!

My 10th anniversary is coming up in January. I thought that's what you did...grow up, get married, have kids. Didn't realize it was a choice, really. I wonder if that was my own ignorance/ immaturity, or what society tells us. I accept my role as wife and mother, but I often say that I didn't know it was okay not to marry or not to have kids until I already did.

Of course, I want to be a doting grandmom, and hope my kids have a loving committed relationship....but I think I will let them know they have a choice. I want them to put their education and careers first, if that is what they choose, and then consider the possibility of sharing their life...knowing that there is a careful balance between independence and sharing when it comes to relationships.

AS far as looking back, it's good to remember where we have been to understand where we are and who we are today. Makes it more of a time for honoring our past than living with regrets.

[susandennis]

I know my Mom felt that she did not have choices in the 40's and that's probably why she and Daddy created an environment for us so we'd feel like we did have choices. I cannot imagine a more important legacy for your kids.

I do remember one woman who worked with my Dad. She was at our house for dinner and stuff and I was fascinated. Here was a woman who made her own money, had her own house and did what she wanted to.

I also remember a conversation with my sister. We were probably about 12 and 13 at the time. I remarked how lucky this woman was and my sister noted that she didn't have anyone to love her or take care of her. My sister thought that was horrible. I thought that was liberating.

But, mainly I am now so grateful to Daddy for at least making sure I got to see an example.

[waning-estrogen.livejournal.com]

Today is currently my anniversary. This post w/comments made it to the memories section. When I understand how to use filters, I might post about this, but I'm not ready to have it out there for everyone to see.

[susandennis]

What an interesting use of Memories! Thanks for the idea!!