The Showstopper

[susandennis]

Something has been nagging at me about this retirement community thing and it just came to me in the shower.

My parents lived in a very high end, classy one. After my dad died, Mom continued on in their apartment. After a few years she started having health issues. After one of her hospitalizations, the administration decided it was too perilous for her to continue living that way and she would go to assisted living.

The key there is the administration did the deciding.

She had no issue with assisted living. She had issue with someone else deciding.

I remember one horrible day on the phone with her when the penny dropped and she realized she would not allowed to go home. It was so heart wrenching. I spent the day on the phone with the staff. In the end I agreed with them. She was overruled from the get go anyway. And she went and it was fine.

But, I'm pretty sure I do not want that kind of decision made for me. The danger to me is a danger I want to evaluate and deal with myself. If it's a life or death situation, want to be able to cose life or death. I'm going to be very very wary of putting myself in a situation where I no longer have the freedom to make that kind of decision.

Comments

[days_unfolding]

That's a tough one. My mom wanted to go home when she clearly couldn't live by herself. I came up here as soon as I could, but then she caught COVID and never made it home. I'm not sure what we would have done if she had made it home.

[carriea31]

That's just so sad about the way things went down with your mom. Decisions and things like that can be so hard.

[kaishin108]

that is creepy. and i am sorry your mom had to go thru that.

[meowmensteen]

Who knows? I had an awesome neighbor lady who was over 80 and still living it up in her own house and then one she passed away. I'd just seen her a few days before. She was walking down the street, going on some kind of errand. I think I remember hearing she'd tried to move her washing machine by herself or something like that, and exerted too much energy and that was that. I hope that's how I go some day. Living my full life on my own until I'm done.

[arlie]

This!

[vysila]

That's a good way to go. My aunt died at 101, after deciding to take a short walk in the woods behind her house. I guess she overdid it and died shortly thereafter. But it was all on her own terms.

[white_aster]

It's terrible having to make those choices, and I'm sorry you had to go through that with your mom. I've had to go through similar with my dad.

It should be instructive to have a lawyer look at the agreements being signed when entering any community like that. What rights are being delegated, and which retained? CAN the administration of the place make a decision about what level of care is needed, or do they just assess and make recommendations while the real power remains with the person/their POA?

I imagine what comes into play is whether the retirement community is just a landlord (who can't decide whether I'm safe to live in my home for me) vs. a medical facility like a hospital (which has a duty of care to not discharge me into an living situation that is unsafe.) In the latter, they're taking on responsibility for my safety, and like hospital doctors determining if I need the ICU, they've been delegated the power to assess and do what is necessary to keep me safe. Underneath that, though, I suspect there's another legal layer where, like with a hospital, if I am competent to make my own decisions then I could say, "no, I don't want that and I am refusing further care" and then leave. Of course, that doesn't stop them from trying to get me to agree to stay.

[vysila]

This is just a murky ground for older folks, and as an older folk, I find it pretty damn scary. If I am mentally competent, that should be my decision, and mine alone, after medical advisement.

[msconduct]

!00%. On your own terms is the only way.

[mtbc]

I was bothered by how many residents of American nursing homes I met who had some unhappy complaint about how they had never wanted to leave their home but their family had somehow put them in the assisted care facility anyway, I wondered what the full story was there, about exactly what had happened and how it is effected. If I am not senile then I want to retain the ability to go and do whatever I like, even if at risk to my health.

Good luck with getting all that cleared up. Of course, you're having to consider the future behavior of an administration, rather than that of meddlesome kids who want to get the house sold, but it remains a worrying question.

Fear of having my agency neutered is also what stopped me from seeking mental health treatment when I was depressed.